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You are here: Home / Archives for Newest Critical Hits / Columns / Dire Flailings

The Note

June 14, 2011 by Vanir

Last night, I found a note written in my own handwriting that I didn’t remember writing. It said only “HE WAS VERY BAD.” Do I simply have a bad memory, or is something more sinister afoot? Has something sinister happened that I simply forgot about? Is Bigfoot involved? Read on, and share the constant nightmare that has become my life.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Humor Tagged With: bad, baseball, claire's, death note, debbie gibson, el fudge, ghostbusters, he was very bad, memory, memory failure, necklace, note, pearls, pulp fiction, runes, spells, that's all you had to say, the wolf, tiffany, very bad, we're ready to believe you, winston wolfe

The Stay-At-Home Adventurer

June 7, 2011 by Vanir

Yesterday marked the beginning of my third week of unemployment. While the stress of my previous job is no longer an issue, I am faced with a whole new host of things to worry about. The first is, obviously, trying to find a new job. There’s lots of things to get done around the house, so it’s not as if I have a lack of things to do. Getting them done with a 3 year old who has no regard for his own personal safety (much less the well-being and structural integrity of his parents’ belongings, the furniture, or even the house) significantly raises the challenge rating on keeping my sanity. So I started thinking about what a campaign would be like if the PCs never went anywhere and the adventure came to them. I bet it’d be more exciting than Super Why.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Humor, Roleplaying Games Tagged With: castle, prison, prison castle, pruno, sebastian shawshank, sedentary lifestyle, shawshank, shiv, unemployment

Dear Mom & Dad: Please Send GP

May 31, 2011 by Vanir

College is a special time in every PC’s life. They’re learning new things, they feel more free than they’ve ever been, their hormones are raging, and their backstories are finally blossoming. Just make sure yours uses protection.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Featured, Humor, Roleplaying Games Tagged With: academy, backstory, bards, bards rule, books, college, dm tips, learning, school, university, yay bards

Splitting Shadows

May 24, 2011 by Vanir

This past week, I decided to pretend I was J.J. Abrams in the final season of Lost and concocted a reason for all the mysterious events and shadowy nether-business in my campaign. Since the PCs were trapped in some horrifyingly evil prison demiplane, I decided an appropriately evil thing should be trying to make everything worse. But I was still stuck. Then reality splintered all over the place. It takes a really good vacuum to get reality out of a carpet.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Featured, Roleplaying Games Tagged With: bogeyman, boogeyman, collaborative storytelling, dreams, egon spengler, inception, nightmares, real ghostbusters, split party

Proper Villainy: The Crockpot Of The Damned

May 10, 2011 by Vanir

This week we discuss some good practical evil you can do in your own backyard. Proper villains use fear, uncertainty, and doubt to ply their dark craft and cement their power over the helpless. Learn from the dark example of the mac daddy of interstellar villainy, Lord Vader. Dude can make a serious bowl of evil gumbo.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Roleplaying Games Tagged With: anniesux, crockpots, darth maul, darth vader, doubt, fear, FUD, proper villainy, sith, uncertainty, vader, waffles

Proper Villainy

May 3, 2011 by Vanir

Villains add a great element to a campaign: an opposing force that the players can invest themselves in fighting against. But what exactly makes a good villain? Let’s take a little trip down a road paved with good intentions.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Featured, Roleplaying Games Tagged With: curly moustaches, darth vader, dick cheney, dm tips, evil, evil bastards, hayden christensen, lord soth, playing evil characters, proper villainy, roleplay, stupid ranger, villain

It’s Got Electrolytes

April 26, 2011 by Vanir

One problem I keep running into with my campaign is that I have tunnel vision. I see the story, I see the characters, I see the players, and I have a tendency not to think about the existence of other things without some effort. One major side effect of this is that we’re 5 sessions in and nobody has received any loot. We also don’t use XP in my campaign. I think my players are getting antsy. I’m worried they might snap and hold me for ransom if I don’t figure out how to reward them somehow. If I suddenly stop tweeting one day, don’t wait. Call the cops.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Roleplaying Games Tagged With: beef xtreme, brawndo, electrolytes, experience, Experience Points, gold, gp, idiocracy, iron rations, iron spikes, its got what plants crave, loot, platinum, player rewards, pp, torches, Treasure, xp

The Creme Filling Of The DM Soul

April 19, 2011 by Vanir

In which I ignore good advice, accept better advice, accidentally stumble into great adventure, and achieve my heart’s desire. If you’re a cinnamon roll aficionado and this is making you hungry, then this post is probably going to disappoint. Only I can eat my words. Shame they don’t taste like cinnamon rolls.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Roleplaying Games Tagged With: bone phone, bones, cinnamon rolls, combat, combat length, combat speed, gentle necromancy, hearts, initiative, mr rogers, necromancy

Funny Pants of Omnipotence: The Metaphor Overstays Its Welcome

April 12, 2011 by Vanir

After last week’s existential crisis, I take a look at some of the difficulties I face in coming up with the right plot framework for my campaign, and realize for the 74,343rd time that I have difficulties being serious.

Filed Under: Dire Flailings, Roleplaying Games Tagged With: being funny, comedy, DMing, dungeon master, Humor, plot development, story development, succotash, Writing

Innocence Lost: The Price of Omnipotence

April 5, 2011 by Vanir

In which Vanir opens the Pandora’s Box of gaming, and learns things he cannot un-know. In which the Infinite Improbability Drive of D&D can let a DM both cheat and not cheat simultaneously. In which redemption is sought,

Filed Under: Board, Card, and Miniature Games, Dire Flailings, Roleplaying Games, Science Fiction & Fantasy Genre Tagged With: cheating, combat, DM, dungeon master, existential quandary, fudging

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About the Author

  • Vanir

    Vanir is the sort of man who has openly wondered aloud about his own armor class in front of his own grandmother. Despite this, he has still managed to somehow become both married and a father. By day, he develops web applications. By night, web applications develop him.

    Email: vanir@critical-hits.comWeb: https://critical-hits.com//category/dire-flailings/

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