It was my intention to write a funny Christmas article this week. It didn’t turn out so well.
The Ed-In-A-Box
‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the Realms
Not a creature was stirring, not even Ed Helms*
…
The dicebags were hung by the chimney with care
In hopes that Ed Greenwood soon would be there.
…
On, Mystra! On, Pelor! On, Oghma! On, Tempus!
On, Telos! On, Orcus! On, Selûne! On,Vecna!
* yes, this was my first clue something was amiss
At some point, the magical Christmas safeties were triggered, and my hands refused to type any more for the good of all mankind.
The Festive Bestiary With Square Wheels
Then, drawing upon some inspiration from the legendary Krampus, I decided to create some holiday-themed D&D monsters.
Yule Flayers
These evil creatures live in the crawlspace where you store the Christmas decorations, and psionically cause holiday stress. Their bite is the only thing that can make Creepy Uncles. They even cast Mending spells on pricetags so people will know how much you spent comparatively to everyone else, drawing inevitable conclusions about how much you love every single person in your extended family. The horrible, naked, bloody truth is revealed! Merry Christmas!
Hanukklaadi
Unlike many of their slaadi brethren, Hanukklaadi are a kind and gentle race. However, they get grumpy sometimes.
Christmas (Wight)
It’s basically just like regular Christmas, but you’re really tired from decorating, wrapping all the presents, baking Christmas cookies, fighting off angry hordes at the mall to get festive savings, and travelling to see relatives. So I guess it’s really not that different at all, other than that it’s undead too.
Kwanzaa Elementals
I don’t even know what to put here, this just sounded awesome when I said it out loud. Maybe they shoot Kwanzaa beams that cause cultural awareness, build strong character, and bring communities together. Dude. We need more Kwanzaa beams.
Advent Chain Golems
Only living for one month, Advent Chain Golems are strongest when first born and slowly dwindle in power over the course of their lifespan. That being said, they’re made out of construction paper so they’re really not much of a threat. Unless your mom finds out you tore it early, and then she tells Santa. Then you’re screwed, buddy.
Displacer Gifts
Appearing 4′ away in a random direction at all times, these presents are impossible to wrap. Thusly, only wizards who summon them from the ether can ever give them. And then they typically only stick around for the spell’s duration, so they make really crappy presents. FACT: This causes more spellcaster deaths per year than orcs and kobolds combined.
Ho Ho Hotyughs
Fat, jolly, and with a gaping maw filled with countless rows of teeth, these creatures have no trouble storing all the cookies and milk left out by children for Santa on Christmas Eve. They also can store all the presents. And the stockings. The tree. And the children.
The Dreaded King Moonracer
On behalf of all of us here at Critical Hits, I am glaring at each and every one of you in exactly the same way.
Hilarious! Better watch out for yule flayers…you don’t want to turn from Cool Uncle Matt into a Creepy Uncle Matthias!