Orgrimmar Politics As Usual

It’s the end of a brutal election season, and the race for key positions in the Horde have never been closer. No one could have expected Thrall to step down from his position as Warchief, but it was no surprise to anyone just how heated the battle to ensue would become. Soon after announcing he would be leaving office, Warchief Thrall decided to try to quell unrest between the various races of the Horde, and declared the next Warchief would be determined by popular vote. In a controversial move, he then decided the Horde needed a new emblem to symbolize this new, democratic union, and chose famed Troll artist Bet’si Rahz to design it. Soon after, the battle for the Warchief’s throne began.

Candidate vs. Candidate (CvC)

Garrosh Hellscream is the son of legendary Orc hero Grom Hellscream, and has the political backing of Thrall himself. Many cried foul, citing the Warchief’s differences with Garrosh during the war against the Lich King, and waving off Thrall’s trust in the younger Hellscream as misguided loyalty to his belated father (and Thrall’s former best friend). Like everything else anyone named Hellscream has ever done, Garrosh’s plans are bold and decisive (or, as some suggest, even reckless). Despite this, his charisma and willingness to decapitate have gained him the loyalty of many.

Key issues on Hellscream’s ticket:

• Closing off most of Orgrimmar to anyone other than Orcs and Tauren, and tightening immigration laws to all of Durotar.
• A controversial “No Orc Left Behind” plan that would cut critical funding to orphanages that did not meet their government-mandated quota of texttiles.
• Reinstating the Ner’zhul’s administration’s tax cuts on income over 1000 gold.
• Spirit based initiatives, such as encouraging the use of Earth Shock as a contraceptive. This plan has brought fire from many civil rights groups for promoting Shamanism in schools.

Hellscream’s primary opponent, Varok Saurfang, trails in the polls, but is widely known as a brilliant strategist. Though some who want big change are hesitant to vote for Saurfang due to his ties to the Orgrimmar political machine, the simple fact remains that those concerned about Garrosh Hellscream’s devil-may-care attitude toward governing the Horde have been slowly flocking to his camp.

One such concerned citizen of the Barrens, an orc named Mankrik, had this to say about Saurfang: “Perhaps you know the pain of uncertainty, perhaps not, <your class here>. But know this: I stand here every day, from the sun’s rising till its decline, scouring the horizon for more of those monsters. Hellscream simply hears about a battle and runs toward it. Such foolishness will find some of his warriors needlessly slain, like my wife. Now, I spend my life endlessly killing quilboars. Saurfang is not Hellscream. That is all I need to know. Also, I hear he hates pork almost as much as me.”

Saurfang’s selling points, while not as viscerally crowd pleasing to the Orc crowd as his opponent’s, have been met with approval across all races of the Horde:

• A comprehensive universal healing and resurrection package.
• A controversial “quicker strikes, more dps” plan, including a ban on assault weapons like heavy crossbows and 2-handed axes.
• Mandatory gearscore evaluations on all armor. Government reforging vouchers will be issued to stimulate the economy and encourage citizens to have higher defensive ratings and be more battlefield-friendly.
• A “Cash for Clothies” program to encourage mages, priests, and warlocks to rethink their career choices due to a severe shortage of tanks over the last few years.

Adds

Though not expected to gain any significant portion of the vote themselves, several lesser known candidates have emerged as well.

Subjugar Fangorroth of the “Glory Days” party, has no real party platform, appears to be based underground somewhere in Outland, and only holds very simple rallies with ample beverages on hand. Despite this, he has slowly gained a core group of extremely fanatical, larger than normal followers with glowing red eyes. Though small in size now, this party could be a force to be reckoned with in future campaigns.

Platey Quel’Millan of the “Repair Bills Are Too Damn High” party based in Silvermoon, known for his epic tri-bladed beard and catchy mannerisms, is an outspoken advocate for low-level, lower-income paladins. Though the specifics of his platform are nondescript, the focus of his campaign is clear: “We got pallys questing 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, some having to pick up daily quests, and can’t even buy potions to keep their mana up enough to bubble hearth.” No word yet on how he plans to fix any of these issues, or whether he is aware of the higher level paladin abilities “Automatically Win” and “Force Ragequit”.

Finally, Munkin Blackfist of the New Argent Crusade party is running what many consider to be an extremely unusual campaign. His sole issue? Masturbation. “The Scourge was caused by spilling our mighty seed upon the ground, angering the earth spirits. The Lich King may have been defeated, but the Scourge can rise again unless we all keep our hands where others can see them.”  Though likely not a viable contender for Warchief, Blackfist has had far-reaching implications in Alliance politics. Lord Tirion Fordring, leader of the former Argent Crusade, sadly and accidentally killed himself with a massive involuntary facepalm upon hearing of this campaign. Warchief Thrall himself then appointed his trusted advisor, Rehgar Earthfury, to issue the official Horde response:

Remember, every vote counts and there’s a pretty good probability the world is going to blow up pretty soon. Together, we can choose a candidate that will lead us through the next world-changing near-apocalypse and we will stand atop a mountainous heap of broken bodies and declare victory over all we survey!

FOR THE HORDE!

Thanks to frantic.org for their Political Sign Generator, and to my good buddy @drmartin for use of his awesome Rehgar gif.