Tales of Horror: D&D for TWEENS

Picture, if you will, a mysterious and terrifying future. The entire marketing team at WotC comes down with a mysterious illness, mostly for purposes of artificially strengthening the gossamer-thin threads of plot of this article. Additionally, every person with a marketing background in the entire world contracts it as well. This is completely plausible.

Regardless, WotC bravely soldiers on. WotC, having recently caused a stir among environmental groups over a controversial plan to convert any resource into mana and further taxing the world’s supply of fossil fuels, scraps their plan. However, it is secretly revived in order to ensure good holiday sales numbers, drastic measures needed to be taken, so they applied the technology to something far less inflammatory: 11 year old children.

No, they did not grind tweens up and collect their dust. That would have contaminated everything, and would have yielded more lawsuit mana than any other color. They simply rotated them all 90 degrees and told them to come up with the best ideas they could or else they would destroy the Jonas Brothers’ magic rings of chastity.

The results would chill even the most hardened adventurers’ blood.

• Justin Bieholder
  Part terrifying monster from the darkest corners of the imagination, part pre-teen heartthrob, this creature just wants to be loved. That’s why eight of its eyestalks shoot powerful Charm spells. One eyestalk has evolved to hold a pen to sign autographs, and the remaining eyestalk shoots hairspray – which the monster needs a constant supply of. Unlike most dungeon-dwelling creatures, the Bieholder always surrounds itself with backup dancers significantly older than it is. All party members must save vs. Rap or be forced to join the monster’s entourage. The Bieholder is nigh-invulnerable and highly resistant to magic. The only sure way to defeat a Bieholder is to break up with it, which will not kill the beast, but will buy the adventurers 1d20 rounds of the monster crying in a pillow and writing song lyrics about the experience to use against future victims.
• iBigby
  Forget what you know! Bigby’s back as a perky 14 year old girl with her own web show! Join iBigby and her best friend Otilucy as they explore the most terrifying dungeon of all: HIGH SCHOOL! Don’t miss the upcoming iBigby specials: iForgot My Homework Because I Use Vancian Magic and iDon’t Have A Date For Prom Because All I Can Cast Is Spells About Hands.
• Hannah Undermontana
  The mad wizard Halaster finally unleashes his most terrifying creation to date: his 16 year old daughter! Torn between her desire to live life as plain old Haley, a normal peasant girl doomed to a life of manual labor, and superstar sorceress Hannah Undermontana, the world becomes distracted enough not to notice Halaster’s ulterior motive: to unmake reality via country music. Can he be stopped before he releases “Achy Breaky Wight”? Can Haley bring a boy home to meet her father in less than seven pieces? Can she balance her skills and feats to meet the needs of her real life and of her alter ego? Will she spend a daily power to take care of her pimples OR one of her friend’s pimples? Even though they have a crush on the same guy??!

I apologize if anyone soiled themselves.