This post will get intensely personal, while overall positive, it will dwell on some of my personal issues of the last year. Feel free to skip
Way back in November, I wrote a somewhat somber post celebrating my 500th post.
At the time, I didn’t realize that I was diving full speed into severe depression, my third in the last 10 years.
It got so bad that I was given sick leave from work and I had to get a psychiatric evaluation, my second in 4 years.
During the evaluation, the subject of my Gen Con 2008 experience was broached and I explained how excited I became, how energetic I was, how little sleep I needed and how I announced a ton of projects that I all more or less abandoned. I even jested that my wife was convinced I had taken drugs at Gen Con because she didn’t recognize me.
Well, it seemed that this episode was very significant…
After a few more questions about prior such episodes (none) and if I lost touch with reality by taking stupid dangerous risks/decisions (nope) and about my family’s mental health history, the diagnostic was preety clear.
I have type 2 Bipolar Disorder
Of course that news crushed me. Still, I reached out to people I trusted (including my many online friends) and discovered that creative people, especially writers, are often bipolar.
In fact, the expression Touched by Fire (coined from a book on creativity and bipolar disorder) is a very apt description of the many Creative Surges I would get every few weeks or so, sending me in a spiral of new, semi-gibberish ideas that could consume me whole for a few days!
All this…plain old Manic-Depression… Sigh.
Sheesh. Can’t I even be insane in an original way?
So after accepting my situation (with the help of my family and friends) I had decided to start taking Mood Stabilizers, although I was deeply worried that the meds would make me a zombie without any creativity.
I was refereed to a grandfatherly psychiatrist who took the time to explain what the medication I was going to take would do. He pulled the studies about Mood Stabilizers and creativity and candidly told me that they was a slight chance my creativity would slump. There was also a slight chance that it would increase but mostly, it should stay the same.
So I took them… and the rushing noise in my head slowed and the depression abated. I rapidly recovered, with the help of exercises, regular social activities and the meds.As I got better, I found my voice again.! My creativity was whole, better organized and easier to channel.
I even started projects… and finished them!
We did the One Page Dungeon Contest and created the One Page Dungeon Codex. I wrote about the Dungeon Reality Show, I created a new DRS adventure and made a PDF out of it. I wrote an adventure for Goodman Games, a Kobold Quarterly article and I successfully pitched an adventure idea to Wizards of the Coasts.
Hell, I went to Gen Con and I returned normal!
So things are looking up. In fact, I got so busy lately that I missed several of the blog’s milestones:
- My 600th post some time last spring
- My 2nd Blogging anniversary on July 27th
- The 10 000th of the blog comment a few days ago
So thanks to my recovery, I got through all those and the 700 posts point!
Not bad for a (mostly) one-person show run by a mad overlord.
The blog is doing well, having weathered my illness with little impact. I don’t have specific plans about it. I write what I feel like. Whenever I feel constrained about a feature or a post, I put it aside untill I feel liek doing it again.
However, as I slowly make my way to freelance writing, I realize that all time I spend on projects will be time away from the blog. When I blog, I’m not sending picthes to Dragon/Dungeon magazine or Level Up and Kobold Quartely.
However, blogging remains my favorite medium to explore RPGs (except playing, of course), so I don’t plan to stop anytime soon.
I want to thank everyone who’ve supported me this last year. In the depths of depression, it becomes impossible to believe that people could care about you. That’s why I’m so grateful to all those who stepped up to do guest posts, took the time to email and call me to check how I was and who made sure that I was doing all right.
And lastly, I also want to thank the readers who stuck around to read my articles. During the darker times, writing often became the anchor that pulled me out of the blackness and made me see the sun again. When I got comments on articles that were excruciatingly hard to write, it motivated me to keep at it.
See you at 800!
Seemed like a good time to speak up and say that even when I’m not commenting, I’m still reading. Congratulations on another well earned milestone! And I’m glad to hear that things are going well. All the best over the next 700.
.-= David´s last blog ..Superpowers, for the Ameritrashers Only =-.
Kudos on the progress, Chatty! I just wanted to say that while I appreciate your blog, I will certainly not fault you for focusing on stuff that matters the most. Merlin Mann once said: “You eventually learn that true priorities are like arms; if you think you have more than a couple, you’re either lying or crazy”.
I have to say this is a truly worthwhile topic and I’m very thankful that you helped keep it in people’s thoughts with this post. How many gamers (GM’s or players both) have some of these same issues, but rarely consider them more than in passing or unrelated to their hobby?
And how many, like you were, are legitimately concerned that switching to meds to regulate their issues will either stigmatize them in some fashion with others or damage their creativity, which is directly tied to their ultimate hobby.
It’s an important point and I hope it continues to get the attention it deserves. Thanks again and glad to hear you’re finishing projects. I’m still working on that vice myself. 🙂
.-= Rob Beck´s last blog ..Running a Long Term Campaign Pt. II =-.
Hi Chatty,
I only discovered RPG’s two years ago and about a month ago i decided to try and make a career out of it. I’ve been writing most of my life and love being able to share my creativity with my players and want share it with as many people as possible.
Now at the risk of sounding like a fanboy, in the past month of researching and planning i’ve placed yourself in my list of inspirational figures within the industry.
Unfortunately for yourself this means you will be seeing my 2 cents in your comments continuously.
Keep up the great work and i look forward to reading your next 700 posts.
Whit
All I can really say to this is wow… All I ever get out of downers is bad poetry and a few hairbrained decisions. You’ve done a LOT better. Oh and for what it’s worth, your crazy may not be unique but it’s at least different from my crazy. 🙂
Good luck on your publishing endeavors!
Each day, when I get to the computer for the first time of the day, I do three things.
1. I check my Auctions (World of Warcraft).
2. I check my emails.
&
3. I check Chattydm.net…
Your blog, your posts & the many discussions I had with you or the other readers made me a better DM/Player. Keep it up! 700 post is not enough! 😉
Thank you!
@David: I really appreciate you’re comment and I was happy to see you again at Gen Con. Let’s hope I write a ‘1400 post’ article some time in the future.
@Mike: Thank you for the kudos. In the end, I hope to find a way to do freelance writing, blog and feed my family decently. I’m working at it…
@Rob: One of the reasons why I decided to announce my condition publicly is because I know that many gamers suffer from depression and other mental health issues. I want to make it known that everyone can be affected and that there are ways to deal with it. Thanks for your kind words.
@WhitDnd: I’m humbled and honored that you consider me a ressource in the “industry”. It blows my mind that I’ve been able to touch people’s lives and be considered a positive influence. Thanks!
@Lanir: Thanks! Us crazy-types must stick together! 🙂
@D_Luck: Thank you so much man! It means a lot coming from you!
Je suis content de voir que les choses ce place et je te souhaite tout le succès avec tes projets mon ami.
Si j’ai pu contribuer a ce que tu passe au travers ces temps difficile j’en suis bien heureux.
Ma porte est toujours ouverte.
Prend soin de toi.
Philippe– Glad to hear you are feeling better. I can say that there was a noticeable difference in the speed of our conversations from last GenCon and this GenCon, but no difference in the creativity and passion you have for gaming.
Glad to hear that you are feeling better. I am looking past 800, and I will see you at 1000.
Umm.
Yeah. I knew I recognized a kindred spirit. I just didn’t know how kindred.
Keep up the good work. Listen to the woman when she tells you you are obsessing. I’m glad (really glad) that you’ve identified the situation, and are motoring onward. Nice to hear that things are getting finished. It is a wonderful feeling.
I’ll keep reading and commenting.
.-= LordVreeg´s last blog ..edited The Church of Black Humor-Steel Isle =-.
@Yan: Souhaitons que ca soit le dernier article sur le sujet de ma santé mentale. 🙂 Oui, ton support pendant cette période a été particulièrement utile et apprécié. Je suis content qu’on ait jamais arrêté de jouer a D&D… notre game restait un des bastions de lumière dans la noirceur relative de mes perceptions.
Now let’s have the most awesome RPG season ever!
@DNAPhil: I owe my decision to go to Gen Con this year mostly to you and Dave:The Game. So thanks to you! I hope I’ll get to see you before the next Gen Con.
@LV: The thing is, I was misdiagnosed by the shrinks 4 years ago, while my psychologist called it (but can’t diagnose for it). At the time, I had not gone through a Hypomanic phase yet, so I was treated for a depression and left it at that. I too am glad to have identified what was wrong with me and do something about it. I’m so much better now. Thanks for the advice (my wife appreciates it and says ‘you rule’).
I’m glad things are getting better for you! Thanks for talking about such a serious topic- possibly others will recognize themselves in your words and get help they didn’t know they needed.
Keep up the good work. I love reading your blog everyday. (I’m mostly a lurker.)
I just wanted to say congratulations on 700 posts. Considering how many people start blogs which they post to a handful of times and abandon, the fact that you have accomplished so much is impressive.
On a personal note, I am glad you found a good doctor and the right medication to help you out. My wife has been hospitalized twice for depression, and it took her quite awhile to find the right doctor and medication that worked for her. So your story really hits home.
Congratulations again. Hope to see you around for another 700 posts!
.-= Rob´s last blog ..Forgotten Realms Issue 10 – Head Cheeeese =-.
Hello ChattyDM
Thank you for having the courage to anounce and discuss your mental health issues.
I suffer from the Chronic Depression (unfortunatly no manic stages where I get blasts of creativity 🙂 ) so I can sympathize 100%. I’m really glad and proud of you that you decided to share your experiences with the communicty. More of us who suffer from the condition need to make it known we have the disease and help shed more light on it. Hopefully in time it will be less of stigma.
So kudo’s to you and you’ve got my support for what it’s worth.
~ Chris McNeil a.k.a Gwarh
@mln84: Thanks for de-lurking and giving me such kind words. I firmly belive that mental conditions (I’m loath to call them illnesses as we have yet to define what a healthy mind is in the first place) shouldn’t be stigmatized anymore. It’s not our fault we’re like that and for many of us, the conditions are treatable. So my open stance about it is my way of working toward broader acceptance.
@Rob: Thanks for sharing that story and for the kudos. I was lucky that the first medications that were tried worked almost instantly. Here’s to hoping it will stay so. Best of luck to your wife, I’m sure she’s well supported 🙂
@Chris: Thanks man, your support really means a lot to me. As I said above, it’s my way of accepting my condition and showing the world that we can function in spite of it. Hang in there, we’ll make it!
@ChattyDM Thanks for a) producing such great material and so many projects, and b) helping to lift the stigma. People need to learn that mental conditions are not scary and do not make someone a detriment to society. They can be hard to deal with sometimes, so it is great that you’ve got the courage and good sense to get the help that’s right for you (and not the cookie cutter solution). It took me a while to figure that out for myself.
Take the time to take care of yourself and keep up the good work! You are a great advocate for both the RPG and mental condition community.
.-= Will´s last blog ..Dramatic Endeavors =-.
The notion of being ‘touched by fire’ always reminds me of a Sylvia Plath poem we studied during my university years. “Lady Lazarus.” Interestingly, it came up in any course where the topic could be stretched to fit it – no matter how big the stretch. Each artist experiences a unique catalyst to bring about their art – but we all experience it in a similar vein.
Good luck and godspeed, Chatty. We’re all here for you, always.
http://www.poets.org/viewmedia.php/prmMID/15292
.-= Brian´s last blog ..The 4e Druid Handbook – Part 1: Ability Scores and Class Features =-.
Congratulations on 700 posts, sir.
When I came back to the RPG scene several months ago, your blog was one of the first that made it into my regular reading rotation. Your posts show a passion for the genre, along with a sense of humor that can be lacking at times in this hobby.
I’m pondering starting a blog of my own as an outlet for some of my own demons, and your example is helping me consider the standards I want to set for such a project.
Good luck on your journey, and may you have many more great posts to come.
Like you, I’m type 2 bipolar, a gamer, a blogger and so much more. I don’t let my mental illness define me or guide me, but it does affect my life. Without my medication things are horrible to the point of the worst thoughts a person can think about themselves. I’m glad you decided to get help. I’ve been on some not-so-great and some very good meds over the past six years.
Also, thanks for the link to the book. I was unaware of the book, but will be ordering it here in just a few moments.
Good luck with your ventures and keep moving forward!
.-= Hungry´s last blog ..Sunday Seven: 2009-09-06 =-.
@Mike: Gee, thanks! I consider myself lucky beyond belief to have had access to such great therapists. They all worked together to get my life back on track… and will help me stay on it.
As for being an advocate, well I want people to see me for what I really am… including the awesome and the not so pretty parts. Plus apparently it’s really in to be bipolar when you are a writer. 🙂
@Brian: You see, all you English/Literature/Arts majors had these poems about Nazis, Skin and fire… I had Biochemical Pathways, Parasitology and Molecular Cloning…
Hmmm, actually that last one was pretty cool…
Regardless, I missed a lot of this stuff and I wonder what kind of writer I would have turned out to be if I didn’t become a scientist first. I do know that the creative process I go through is very similar to what Elizabeth Gilbert describes in here TED talk:
http://chattydm.net/2009/03/30/of-healthy-bodies-and-minds/
Thanks for the kind words Brain, it means a lot. Next year I’d like to DM a game for your team at Gen Con… and I want you guys to be allowed to Roleplay! 🙂
@Gordon: You are very kind. I’m happy to provide you entertainment and inspiration. Along with physical exercise, writing is a great expiatory activity to chase the demons away.
@Hungry: Hey, another kindred soul! We should band together and start Insanity Press or something. 🙂 I just hope that the current cocktail I’m taking will prevent future nosedives into depression. So far I’ve managed to stifle a few episodes that looked like the onset of a Hypomanic phase, so the outlook looks good. It’s really the depressions that scare me… I don’t think my family can weather another one as bad as the last two…
Thanks!
@ChattyDM : Further proof that with a bit courage, strength and supportive loved ones (and doctors!), one can prevail 🙂
I remain happy to see you well 🙂
.-= Eric Maziade´s last blog ..On the road to Spellgu- postmortem =-.
Great words to read, Chatty. I’m really glad to see someone as inspired and hardworking as you confront your psychological issues head on and deal with them. Just acknowledging that something is wrong and then finding the courage to talk to someone about it is a huge and difficult step. You contribute a ton to the hobby and are a great person in general and I’m very happy to hear that you have found a program that is working for you. As it is clearly working! I wish I could be kicking as much gaming ass as you are! Here’s to 700 more posts and a whole bunch of other cool gaming projects (including your exciting contributions to Draconis this year).
Kudos to you Chatty. Congrats on getting your depression under control, and on finishing projects!
All the best to you and yours for the next 100 posts and beyond 🙂
/delurk
Thanks for sharing that Phil. And congrats on 700, keep doing what you’re doing!
.-= Andy´s last blog ..Chinese Inventor Builds Oil Barrel Submarine =-.
“We all have demons. We have to put a harness on our demons, not cast them out.” ~Jeannette Walls, author ‘The Glass Castle’ & ‘Half-Broke Horses’