Under New Management

Good day! I am Vanir the Chatty DM. You probably came here expecting Phil the Chatty DM. I’m sorry to say that Phil has taken an extended leave of absence due to a severe poutine-related injury and will not be back for some time. In the meantime, he has handed his cape and sceptre to me, and now I am the Chatty DM.

Phil’s shoes are quite large, and it will be some time before I am able to adequately fill them. Being a kind and generous former potentate, Phil gave me a practice exercise to run. Here it goes:

I find it best to separate the colors and the whites, because the whites stay much brighter that way. However, you may find yourself out of underwear if you don’t alternate loads. Washing baby clothes is an entirely different story. A person who can keep baby clothes clean probably made a pact with the devil at some point, and I cannot say the payoff would be worth it for me. However, some people are much more into doing their laundry than I, and if for some reason you find yourself at the fabled Crossroads ready to make a deal with Old Scratch, far be it from me to keep you from bargaining away your eternal soul to keep your whites whiter and your brights brighter. I don’t like socks very much. My wife and I threw away all our socks and bought 20 pairs of the same kind that we both wear so that we don’t have to sort. However, the dresser keeps spawning versions of our old socks and sprinkling them randomly into the sea of perfectly uniform socks. I’m not sure if an exorcist would even show up to get rid of this problem but as long as my socks don’t start spinning around and projectile vomiting on me, I think I can make do.

Phil was right, I feel much more competent now. However, he told me that to truly become a Chatty DM, I must discuss tropes at great length. I have just googled that word, and I feel ready. Let us begin.

Tropes are a process of inbred fertilization which employs certain decomposed organic materials– including, but not limited to animal sediment– to blanket an area in which vegetation is desired. The procedure enriches the soil for stimulated plant development while, at the same time, preventing erosion and decreasing the evaporation of moisture from the ground. To properly trope your garden, all you need is some simple household chemicals. I recommend about 1/2 ton of lawn clippings, a can of beer (for the enzymes, which are the catalyst to get all the bacteria going and give your tropes some real kick), 1/8 cup of antifreeze, and a few hefty squirts of Palmolive dishwashing liquid to give those bugs diarrhea. Wrap everything in newspaper over the winter, or your tropes might collapse, taking the foundation of your house along with them. Before you install tropes, you should check your local city or state zoning ordinances involving tectonic shift and/or manslaughter.

Upon further review, it seems that I was talking about something very similar to tropes, but not actually tropes. Please forgive me, I am but a novice Chatty DM. These powers are intoxicating and difficult to control. Please allow me to refocus:

One of the most common tropes in fantasy roleplaying is that every character has underarms. Subverting this trope might seem impossible to the novice, but daily diligent practice will allow you to overcome your limitations. PC’s frequently have heroic (or “good aligned”, as we say in the parlance) underarms, but this certainly does not mean a clever DM can’t speak in private with the PC’s underarms to make them do something unexpected. (Protip: try bribing them with food or diamonds.) Also, the number of underarms on a villain is typically directly proportional to the number of arms he has. (Or she! Don’t forget, girls have underarms too!) If you want to really spice up your campaign, try giving your villain three or four extra underarms. Or just one extra, but it’s a giraffe’s underarm! Now that’s what I call Proper Villainy!

(NOTE: DO NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES give your villain two giraffe underarms. You want your players to feel like they can win at least occasionally. Remember: you’re successful at being a DM when everyone is having fun.)

I think this would be a good place to stop. Phil told me not to lay too much on the audience at once. He said he gave out too many secrets at once this one time, and it killed his entire readership right there on the spot. Rather than undo all the hard work he has done rebuilding his user base and hiding the bodies, I would rather leave you all aching for more. Please don’t cry. I love each and every one of you just as Phil did.

However, I must tempt fate and leave you with one final golden nugget of wisdom: grow a beard, because the evil twin will always beat the good twin at Scrabble.

Good night, Chatty Nation!

Vanir used to write for Stupid Ranger before ascending to this higher plane of existence. His love, like Phil before him, is joy eternal.