Sex, Love, and the Races of the PHB2

Spring is sproing-ing, geek friends. In fact, we’re one month away from the First of May (and you know that that means, JoCo fans).

In honor of the release of the totally awesome PHB2 and Spring, I decided to write about sex, love, and the races of the PHB2.

Ever wonder what a gnome finds sexy? Or how goliaths deal with friction from rubbing lithoderms? Maybe I’m the only one who thinks about these things…

Deva

The Deva is a very noble, dignified and ancient race. The whole reincarnation thing and skin markings make me think of Jadzia Dax from DS9. (The freckles go all the way down! Ooooh.)

Because devas can remember a better life in the Astral Sea being buddy-buddy with the gods, they obviously want nothing to do with mortal love or sex. They’re above all that.

This doesn’t mean that they don’t have needs; it’s just that they can take care of them with a good Arcana roll.

Play a Deva if you want to scoff at the guy in the party who always pulls the “Are there any GIRLS there? I want to DO THEM!” card. Look him in the eyes, snap your fingers, feel the rush of pure bliss go through your body, and when he asks you, tell him that was an orgasm and you can have one whenever you want. It’s awfully good to be a Deva.

Gnome

You haven’t experienced fun until you’ve dated a gnome. They’ll romance you, pull flowers out of thin air, build you cool things. If you’re lucky, they might even let you play with their minion.

Guys: Remember that as a small creature, gnome women can’t handle your versatile weapon unless they use both hands.

Ladies: Never let a gnome tie you to a bed. There are things that they find funny that are entirely not funny to non-gnomes. You’ve been warned.

Play a gnome if you want to be the tiny trickster, if you find it hilarious to sing The Tigger Song mid-romp, and if you want to prove that good things really do come in with small packages.

Goliath

The goliath are the Big n’Tall of the D&D universe. As such, you will rarely find a goliath mating outside its race. No offense, but it’s a bit like throwing a hotdog down a hallway… or a St. Bernard squeezing through the catdoor, depending on the people involved.

Goliath women have been known to entertain the likes of dwarves. If you wonder why, you’ll have to ask Toccata & Fugue, the infamous goliath bard duo known as The Horny Bitches.

Play a goliath if you love to be extremely competitive. In romance, they are the couple that takes the “I love you more!” – “No, I love YOU more!” argument to a whole new level involving a mountain precipice, bear skins, and an excessive amount of animal lard.

Half-Orc

Ah, the half-orc. They can’t even get their story straight about how they came to be, because seriously, you’d have to be a pretty messed up human to want to mate with an orc. At least voluntarily.

Half-orcs will occasionally find time for romance (it’s their human side), but really prefer when things are down and dirty, rough and ready, wham-bam-thank-you-ma’am. They have little patience for small talk and social graces, so if a half-orc wants you sexually, you will be told flat-out. (That’s if you’re lucky, they’ve been known to abscond with people. The whole “telling” thing is a new development. They used to just “show.”)

Play a half-orc if you enjoy saying whatever comes to your mind about the attractiveness of a new acquaintance and your plans for entertaining them later.

Shifter

What do you do when you’re part lycanthrope? Whatever you damn well please!

Shifters love romance best when it’s under the stars and moon. There’s nothing better than feeling the wind blow through your fur while in the arms of someone special. And by special, I mean someone who doesn’t mind that the wind is blowing through your fur.

Ever felt the earth move during a passionate encounter? That’s nothing to a shifter. If the earth doesn’t move, they see a doctor. If you’re with a shifter, prepare for the very core of your being to be rocked by pure animal magnitude magnetism.

Play a shifter if you have ever been described as an animal, in bed or otherwise. Sure, you may have a goofy name like Ash or Summer or Brook or Hazel, but it doesn’t matter because they’ll be calling out for their god (which had better be the Raven Queen).

What About You?

Brave enough to say what race you want to play NOW?