So far, we have nearly 200 votes in last week’s poll about what your favorite edition of D&D is. Currently, 4e is in the lead, with 3.5 possessing a pretty strong second, and every other option getting some love (even 3.0!) We’re going to let the poll run another week. For this week, we’ve got an old school Inquisition, but we’re bribing you to respond!
We want your funniest gaming quotes. In character, out of character, about any kind of game, whatever. Simple as that. Enter as many as you’d like, but in order to prevent the thread from getting huge, try to keep all your entries in as few comments as possible (remember, you can edit comments now!) Also, don’t just take the quotes from somewhere else. They have to be yours, on your gaming group’s.
At 12:01 AM on Monday, June 23rd. entry submissions will stop, and the Critical Hits staff will narrow the field down to the top 3. Then we’ll open up the voting to the public at large via the next Inquisition of the Week poll. The voting will run for one week, and whichever entry has the most votes at the end will be the winner! What do you stand to win? A $20 Amazon gift certificate, perfect for buying your gaming supplies.
Spread the word, and let us hear the funniest gaming moments out there.
The Fine Print: Critical Hits reserves the right to award the prize however it chooses if there is evidence that there has been vote-tampering or other irregularities. We also reserve the right to change the details of the contest at our discretion. By submitting your entry to us, you give us permission to reprint your quote on the site, but we retain no other rights. Valid email must accompany your comment.
CP2020:
Solo is at a used motorcycle dealership:
“Yeah, but does it go up stairs?”
D&D
Paladin to the rest of the group:
“I never get sick. I’ve got a divine HMO.”
V:tM
Players are speaking to an anarch “prince” and his blood doll (whom he introduced five minutes before):
Prince: “Hey Bonnie, go get yourself a drink.”
Player: “I thought her name was Bunny?”
Prince: “Bonnie, Bunny. Whatever.”
Earthdawn
Nethermancer to annoying party member:
“The spirits want you to shut up.”
I was running a level 2 D&D campaign and the party is going through the requisite kobold nest. They come across a room with some young kobolds sleeping curled up with kobold parents and our Fighter says–true to his 7 int–
“Ooh! I can cleave!”
Player: “What did you say about foreplay and fornication?”
DM: “I said it was FULL PLATE of FORTIFICATION.”
There are all great already! Keep ’em coming!
One of my own (even though I’m not eligible to win, of course):
Party camps for the night. Rogue on watch hears something and tries to wake me, the Paladin.
Me: *snore* “I don’t wanna go to church today, mommy”
DM: Hahahaha. Lose all Paladin abilities.
DM: Roll percentile to see if you find anything.
Me: I got a 69. Do I find the treasure?
“In the South, demon attacks are referred to as ‘Limeade’!”.
This was in reference to nothing in particular, Ernie Keebler was simply using me as his vessel with which to speak to the Prime Material.
Vanir’s last post: Random 4e Musing: Movement…
After having his character seduced by a prostitute (the purpose of which was to distract him from guarding the wizard), my friend exclaims,
“I’m making a case for premature ejaculation!”
Just joined a group playing a low-INT Paladin. Told by my church to meet two foreigners (the other players) at the bridge at the end of town. They come into view.
Me: “Hail, are you foreigners?!”
Had a druid by the name of Thorn.
We was getting chased by more than we could handle. Bright Idea: I cast brier patch or something… basically entanglement with thorns on the area into which they ran. Then we torched the fuckers where they stood all tangled up. The neighbors heard:
“that’s why they Call Me THORN!!!”
ryon’s last post: Whine
Werewolf: The Forsaken
Me, pissed off at the mess in our den.
“I call upon the spirits of Spic’n’Span to clean this shit up!!”
Obviously, being a judge, I can’t enter but I will post one of my favorites from my Bard in the very first adventure of Dave’s game that recently wrapped up:
Yelling from a centaur’s back to distract a pair of relationship-challenged Trolls,
“Troll Mama!”
Party had a fighter by the name of Darren the Daring. Eventually the player uttered this gem to the party wizard, in discussing what he should prepare for the day:
“We don’t have TIME for defeatist magic!”
Gaalnar, a lv. 5 Wookiee soldier, greets his employer’s new receptionist with a nat 20 on his Intimidate check…
“If you sleep ever again, I will kill you.”
3 weeks later, he lands on the surface of Nar Shaddaa after a very long freefall (+1 dark point)…
On the road to their next destination, our heroes witness a housecat decapitate a lv. 1 commoner after an effort to cook the ferocious feline failed and 3 nat 20s were rolled on the kitty’s behalf…the resident sorcerer remarked, “Can I get a new familiar?”…
The session after my character acquired a cohort (a 9-year old, black, one-eyed soulknife/pyrokineticist who I claimed to be my bastard son), our DM attempts to run a horror-themed adventure…he begins describing frightening occurances in an attempt to get us in the mood…
DM: “Kepler. 2 days before you are to set out for Eastbrook, your holy symbol begins shrieking and appears to be crying blood. Datenshi. On this same day whilst walking through a market, you pass a mirror and realize you have no reflection. Ovan. As you walk with Datenshi, out of the corner of your eye you think you see a dark figure following you, but when you turn-”
Me: “Wait. You mean my son?”
We all erupted in laughter and the mood our DM was trying to create was completely ruined…good times…
1. My friend, in response to being informed that the GURPS rules did not allow him to summon hot spaghetti sauce into his enemies’ brains, replied:
“I want to punch Steve Jackson in the jaw!”
2. 2nd AD&D
DM: “You enter a large room, and in the center is a Hecava.”
Party: “Heck of a what?”
3. Warhammer 40k 2nd edition
Player 1: “My character throws a vortex grenade at your Keeper of Secrets.”
Player 2: “Please don’t.”
4. AD&D
Friend tries to get his younger sister to say: “Meat and ale, barmaid!”
But instead she said: “Beat an ape, barmale!”
5. Warhammer Fantasy 6th edition
Me while moving my pegasus mounted knight: “Caw, caw, caw.”
Opponent: “A pegasus doesn’t make cawing noises!”
6. Magic the Gathering
Player 1: “I lay down a swamp.” Player 1 actually lays down a forest.
7. AD&D 2nd edition
DM: “You are on the boat for a while, what does your character do?”
Player: “Art Fartbrass is terrified of water. I ram my head into a wall repeatedly.”
DM: “You fall unconscious.”
pause
DM: “Your character has woken up. What do you want to do?”
Player: “I continue ramming my head into the wall.”
8. And for those who know me, its too long to go into here, but “Five! Four! Three! Two! One! Ben, the dragon kills your character!”
That’s all I’ve got for now.
P.S. Then Ben Cried!
Friend 1: What’s your class?
Me: Not going to say.
Friend 1: You seem like a thief.
*Friend 2 peeks around my shoulder*
Friend 2: So, you’re an assassin.
Villain: You all have to learn to exercise your options better…
Sorcerer: *Casts Fireball* Did you feel the burn?
3. Warhammer 40k 2nd edition
Player 1: “My character throws a vortex grenade at your Keeper of Secrets.”
Player 2: “Please don’t.”
Actually, it was a Great Unclean One that he had if I remember correctly. The quote is still pricelss though. 😀
Female scout: “I try and pick up a guy at the tavern”
*rolls a one*
DM: “No men are interested in you. You obviously haven’t bathed since leaving the dungeon.”
Our swashbuckler is considering whether to use the Oil of Magic Weapon on his cutlass or his bullets. Another player: “Will you oil your blade or your balls?”
The swashbuckler is a dwarf in a kilt who frequently tumbles. My character is a 17 year old naive and virginal cleric.
Me: “Can Lessa have a bonus on her Knowledge (Dwarven Anatomy) skill?”
DM: “Yes, but only below the waist.”
This may require too much context but…
Our party was sneaking into a castle of giants in order to talk to their leaders. This involved a brief discussion about relative sizes–as size Huge creatures, we would be about size Tiny relative to the giants.
We reach the kitchen (where everything is giant-sized, literally). Someone suggests that we find a dish of food to hide in, and then just get carried into the banquet hall to get to the leaders. Summing up the plan, I said:
“So we have to find a dish of fine cuisine in which you can hide half-a-dozen cats?”
Also, in my SW Saga game, we found ourselves in an escape raft drifting through an asteroid field.
Player: “We need something to help us steer the life-raft!”
Me: “Star Oars?”
My group has kept a ‘quote book’ for the last decade, here’s a select few:
“It’s a new sport, a combination of punting and curling.”
“So that’d be c*nting then?”
GM: “We want your money and your women!”
Me: “You can have the women but you’re gonna have to fight us for the money.”
Me: “Do I have to get in melee range?”
GM: “To do what?”
Me: “Melee.”
“It’s three o’clock in the morning and I’m fed up of touching dwarves!”
“Yes! I’m a cat-killer! Write that on my sheet!”
GM: “Inside the room are a table, chairs, a desk and a bookcase. The bookcase is… wooden.
Player: “I search the bookcase for a secret door, I’m guessing is there.”
GM: “Ah crap.”
GM: There’s three people suffering from an extreme case of –
Player: “Murder?”
GM:”No, amnesia.”
and finally:
“This man is charged with resisting an adventure.”
Jaxvor’s last post: Great News!
A little out-of-game humor:
Player 1: “I just don’t like beer that much.”
Player 2: “Well, some men don’t like women.”
After a string of horrific luck, my players annihilated everything in the Kobold Lair of KotS in 4 rounds, before Irontooth could even get some Dual Axe action in…
“Dammit! How did you guys do that?”
“We figured out how to turn the meat grinder on.”
“What seems to be troubling you, big guy?”
“Well..sometime, while we fight bad people, Lars have nice daydream of land of apple. It have apple-everything, apple corn, apple house, even apple people! And when Lars wake up, bad people go sleep and turn apple color. But sometime Lars think Lars still dream and Lars try eat apple people, but they no taste good as apple people in Lars dream. Always Lars end up hungry for apple. Lars labor yield no fruit, so Lars sad.”
*sniffle*
“Lars just want apple.”
So says Lars, the half-giant barbarian with multiple personality disorder, to Osgival, the elf paladin attempting to steer Lars away from needless bloodlust through therapy inbetween adventures.
There was this wierd Mutants and Masterminds game a while back, basically Call of Cthulhu with superheroes (well, the way we played it). A couple of awesome lines were spoken there.
Player 1 : “Well, I can blow his leg off with my mind.” *uses blast power, no effect in the real world, but it screws up the monster inside the target*
Player 2 : “Wha? He just twisted his ankle.”
Player 1 : “You’re not looking in the right dimension.”
Much fighting with possessed hobos ensued.
Player 1, looking at a magical circle on the wall, turns to player 2.
“I know this is going to sound weird… but can I have a bit of your blood?”
and at last, in a DnD game. We have this barbarian/cleric of Kord who used the same intimidation line all the time.
“When there’s a problem, Kord suggest the use of strenght. Is there a problem?”
D&D 3.5;
Context: The dwarf fighter just did a massive amount of damage to a Wartroll Leader who we had earlier bluffed to avoid fighting.
DM: The Leader looks hurt.
Me to Dwarf Player: Yeah, because he thought you were his friend.
D&D (various editions):
(NOTE: COMPLETELY unscripted)
A company of Dwarves adventuring through the high mountain country…
Gram Stonehelm: Should we rest, or continue on?
Waylan Whisperwater: Wait… What day is it?
Gram: Twednesday (?)
Waylan: Then I say we stay. Everyone knows it’s bad stones to travel on a Twednesday.
***
Laucian Graybish (Druid): Do ponies get better grass mileage?
Laucian (upon walking into a Drow cavern city): This must be the manufacturing place of main evilness!
Laucian (again): Cast a Cure Light Spoons!
***
D&D 4e KotS
Kira Bloodmask (Tiefling Warlord): [slaps forehead] I coulda used a d8!
All right, here’s a few of mine:
We’re a bunch of guys playing, and my buddy Eric is not doing so good and starts becoming the butt of ‘you is so useless’ jokes.
Then he scores a Critical Hit and kills the BBEG.
He shoots up from his chair, screams ‘IN YOU FACE’ and he freaking moons us.
Eric is usually this super straight, introverted guy.
We were in shock and we needed a few minutes to recover.
Next one, I mentioned a few times…
About 20 years ago, I was DMing Queen of the Demonweb pits with a Friend (he was controlling a few PCs).
There’s this huge Mirror on the wall in this one room that’s actually a large magnet.
Since the Marching Order was Cleric (Full Plate) and Magic User, I described how the cleric flew through the room and smashed into the magnet.
The a huge number of Gnolls entered the room from doors on each side of the magnet.
That’s when my 14 year old friend says
“Hmm, I cast Wall of Iron to create a barrier between my MU and the Gnollls”
I then gleefully described how the wall formed, started shaking… and flew to squash the Cleric against the wall, hitting all the gnolls on the way.
The Chatty DM’s last post: The Game System Licence and SRD are out
At about 4 in the morning last time we played, I was calling for initiative…
“Corn. You’re up…Asia…Africa…Austrailia, North America, South America, Antarctica!”
Took about a minute for the group to get it…
In one campaign, our DM rushed us to a much higher level by allowing us to contract various undeath-like templates in a dungeon…we discovered a 2000 lb. adamantine chest shut tight with a scarab lock shortly after my halfling soulknife had contracted vampirism…
“Does anyone have Craft(upholstery) or am I going to have to put one of my spawn to work on this thing?”
We were running a premade adventure with a sub DM. We didn’t detect the CR 2 trap, and ended up taking something like 15d6 + 1d6 fire damage/round for 10 rounds. We all died being level 4-ish.
We agreed at the same time “The trap never happened, and that we must burn the page and never ever mention it at all to our normal killer DM”
DM: “It’s locked.”
Rogue: “Sweet! Time to work my magic!”
*rolls low numbers several times*
Dwarf: “Your lockpick appears to be defective. Let me try mine.”
*kicks door down*
We were running through Age of Worms, and had captured a bandit and were interrogating him as to why his gang was trying to kill us. He wasn’t answering, so my teammates brought in a baby bugbear that we had captured and tried to get it interested in doing something to the bandit, but it wasn’t really interested.
I went into the other room, and started cooking. I didn’t tell the other players what I was cooking, only passed a note to the DM (who immediately started laughing).
I came back into the room (the bugbear had since been removed), and poured a sauce over the feet of the bandit.
Bandit – What the hell is that for??
Me – To convince you to talk.
Bandit – How is that going to work?
Me – By convincing the bugbear to eat.
Bandit – Huh??
Me – Honey-mouse sauce.
Marcel Beaudoin’s last post: Happy Father’s day
After several traps tried to decapitate our party
DM : you hear a click
me (thief) : i throw myself on the floor !
DM : hum.. the spiked floor pierces you, Arkanis dies..
me : ARG !
“Someone say if you see the sun.”
“Critical strike… oh fuck it is wearing pants.”
“Why does the room sound a bit poor?”
“It is not poor. It just doesn’t have walls.”
“What do we do with the city?”
“Okay, maybe I’ll leave my head there.” (IIRC, discussing the details of a young dragon peeking around a corner.)
A dwarf NPC is cooking something. “Now this should be something that doesn’t kill right away.”
About different kinds of jedis: “The first are prophets, the second control their bodies and the third are Xenas.”
Also: Translating quotes is difficult.
Tommi’s last post: Process of play
D&D PC that is Lizard kind and hit with fire.
“I taste like chicken”.
jeffx’s last post: Election ‘08 Prediction
I approve of that last one.
Oh and Tommi, I’m with you there on the translating of quotes. I went with stories because the quotes I had in mind lost all their charm from when moved from French to English.
Tommi: Sorry about that. Didn’t even occur to me. Some great ones there anyway!
I have a few gems.
D&D
The fighter at the front of the party opens the door, dashes in, slams the door shut and bars it (and the rest of the party out), draws his sword and spins around, shouting, “I’m here to kill you and take your money!” He was in the throne room of the goblin king, and we just barely managed to get through the door to keep him alive.
Star Wars
In a two-group campaign that swapped players and their characters, our group got a Wookiee tough and a Young Pilot-soon-to-be-Jedi. The Pilot introduced the Wookiee by his deeds: “This guy took out a baby Sarlaac all by himself!” (They found a zoo ship of sorts). My Quixotic Jedi (read: crazy guy who THINKS he’s a Jedi) quipped, in all seriousness, “The ability to destroy a baby Sarlaac is insignificant next tot he power of the Force.” Both groups broke out laughing for about a good five minutes. Still my best personal quote ever.
One more for the Quixotic Jedi, because I can’t stop there. When the party first formed, the group raided a sanitarium ship with my character on it. They found him buck naked holding a dueling saber and a flashlight. As time went on, he never found a need to find clothes. After a while, the Squib scavenger who was with us rather nervously asked him to get some clothes on. Out came his first “Jedi” proverb. “Nakedness is next to…the Force!” he replied. Creepily, another player was playing a Gammorean Pacifist template (from one of the many d6 sourcebooks) and he decided he wanted to be closer to the Force too, so he started going around naked as well. The Squib locked himself in the ventilation from then on, scared for his life and sanity.
Earthdawn:
Troll fighter type: What are you doing?
Rogue friend: Shhh, I’m listening at the door.
Troll: Do you hear anything?
Rogue (annoyed): I hear a troll yapping.
Troll: What’s he saying?
DM: “You have a great axe, right?”
Player: “Yes. I work out.”
(You might try saying it out loud)
Village Chieftan: “Welcome! We have awaited your arrival! Our oracle told us of your coming long ago…”
Player: [interrupting] “We don’t DO side quests.”
Ok, found our old quote list:
-Star Wars-
Player (Playing a wookie): “Take a thermal detonator, shove it up his butt, and turn it on.”
GM: “In that order?”
Player1 (Pilot): “When are we getting the money?”
Jabba (in Hutese): “Does it look like I have pockets?”
Player 2 (Bounty Hunter): “Can’t you keep it in one of your fat rolls or something?”
-D&D-
Drul (our dumb barbarian): “Drul haven’t had ale this weak since Drul was nursing.”
Drul: “Drul not idol. But, Drul not turn away those who wish to worship.”
“Of course I have a suspicious mind, my roommate’s a GNOME ILLUSIONIST!”
-Ash (Halfling)
One of our players, a druid, was having great fun talking to animals in our sea-going game. He happened to overhear this:
School of small fish: “Ahhhh! Orca! Form a ball! Form a ball!”
That’s all I’ve got. If I win, the proceeds are going to 4e!!!
I was playing a level 4 halfling rogue in a recent D&D game. I was scouting ahead in a thick marshland, several combat rounds away from anyone in the party. I came across an entrance to a cave, and like the brave little halfing that I was, snuck in to snoop about. The DM mentioned that after a few twists and turns it was getting pretty dark. Since I hadn’t heard anything stirring, I decided to light a torch so I could delve further into the cave. As the torch flame roared to life, the DM advised me of a pair of eyes looking in my direction, reflecting the torchlight. Since I couldn’t see who or what the eyes belonged to, I took a few steps closer. Another set of eyes blinked open, then another, stopping me in my tracks. Soon, eleven sets of eyes were staring at me through the darkness. The DM, smiling in a way that only wicked DMs can, stated that the eyes slowly moved closer, revealing not multiple creatures as I had first suspected, but an eleven-headed hydra. The other players’ jaws dropped, and at least one offered to help me roll a new character. I was frantically searching my character sheet in futility, desperate for a trick or item I could use to help myself. The DM could barely contain his glee when he asked, “What do you do?” After one last glance-over of my sheet, I turned to face the DM, looked him right in the eye and said, “I ready my sap.”
DnD
Low intelligence barbarian(/player?) who just entered a bar looking for the mysterious recipient of a mysterious package, and the DM just described the contents of the room and the various inhabitants:
“Those shelves look suspicious.”
Entries are now closed! Any further comments will not be considered for the contest. The judges will deliberate today and post a poll for the three finalists. Stay tuned!
A ranger/rogue spends an evening in an opulant opium den/house of ill-repute. When he awakens, he’s alone, his clothing is missing (being cleaned), and he’s enamored with a very fancy 4 foot tall hookah pipe.
Player: Is there any way I can smuggle this out?
DM: …you are naked, remember?
Player: Hmmm, that does kinda limit hiding place options.
Now that the contest is closed, one of my personal faves from our latest game:
“I’m freezing my purple worm off out here!”
I know the contest is closed, but I have 2 that need sharing.
First-
Player 1: Are you OK? (referring to player 2, who’s just been hit by a Fireball)
Player 2: (in a steadily rising voice) I’m VERY BADLY BURNED.
Second-
Player 1: “So, the plan is, we charge in and take them on.”
Player 2: “Yep, that’s the plan.”
Player 3: (wailing) “There is NO PLAN.”
D&D 3.5
Elf Druid: I can’t let you skin that warg, I’m a druid after all.
Human Ranger: Wait, what’s your armor made out of?