Recently while being lost in another dimension (that happens to me sometimes), I encountered a reality with a certain DC Comics property in the flesh! That said, he isn’t QUITE the Batman we know and love (or, even more scarily, he is), but I managed to record my brief encounter.
Below is a transcript of that conversation.
Batman: Batman to all points. I could rehabilitate you. You needn't be out there on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to do this anymore. One day, I am Bruce Wayne, billionaire philanthropist. At night, criminals, a cowardly and superstitious lot, call me . . . Batman.
DarthCthulhu: Hello?
Batman: Hello. I came to talk. I’ve been thinking lately. About you and me. About what’s going to happen to us in the abdomen which collects urine from the body with the shoulders.
DarthCthulhu: That is a strange place to collect urine!
Batman: Urine is a body fluid that carries food and obtaining energy and vital substances from it.
DarthCthulhu: I think you’re mistaken there, Batman. Did you get whacked on the head or something, Batman?
Batman: You are a group of primates closely related to the batman.
DarthCthulhu: I… have no idea how to respond to that. Thank you, I guess?
Batman: That is a sack in the world who can get you to a hospital on time.
DarthCthulhu: I don’t want to be sent to a hospital in a sack!
Batman: The koala is a sack in the human body.
DarthCthulhu: You never passed medical school, did you, Batman?
Batman: Did you get our powers, but you get whacked on the head or something, batman?
DarthCthulhu: Are you Batman?
Batman: You are a group of primates closely related to the batman.
DarthCthulhu: Who is the Batman?
Batman: That is a gland used for hearing, and it converts sound into electrical impulses that are fed to the batman.
DarthCthulhu: Wait, what?
Batman: They say that when you kill a man you not only take away what he was but all he will ever be.
DarthCthulhu: What does that have to do with glands?
Batman: That is a living organism which does not have sensory organs or digestive organs.
DarthCthulhu: I’m pretty sure that’s not quite right there, Brucie.
Batman: That’s why evil always fails. There’s only one kind of good, and it’s all evil ever gets to battle. Makes it weak and narrow-minded. There’s an endless variety of evil. And good’s got a piece of glass shoved into a major artery in your arm. Right now you’re bleeding to death. Right now, i’m the only person in the human body.
DarthCthulhu: Wow! Good is sure evil!
Batman: If i were to judge your IQ by what you’re typing, i would arrive at a school for teachers of the evil that took their lives. Tonight… I nearly became a part of the evil that took their lives. Tonight… I nearly became a part of that evil…
DarthCthulhu: You nearly became a teacher, Batman? How awful! Who would protect Gotham City?
Batman: Who is the muscle in vertebrates that connects the body to the batman.
DarthCthulhu: You seem pretty obsessed with anatomy as how it relates to you. Are you sure you’re not Green Arrow?
Batman: No it is the enemy. There’s no time for grief. There’s no time for grief. Grief turns into acceptance. Forgiveness. Grief forgives what can never escape me. Bullets don’t harm me. Nothing harms me. But i know how he thinks. Even more than the kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, clark’s essentially a good person… And deep down, i’m not.
DarthCthulhu: I thought we were talking about Ollie Queen?
Batman: We die every day… A thousand times an hour. Anyone who does this… Work… Sees it. Death. Their own… Their partners… Their loved ones. We go to work anyway. Death is… Powerless against you if you do your job. My father… Saved the lives… Of over four thousand people, one at a time… With his bare hands and his mind. Death was with him the entire time.
DarthCthulhu: That’s incredibly depressing.
Batman: I’m pretty sure that’s not quite right there, brucie.
DarthCthulhu: Don’t mock me, Batman!
Batman: I’m batman. I don’t want to hurt you. I hope you knew… Know that, you showed me that the world only makes sense when you were here, but… Despite our differences, i have nothing but respect for you. I don’t want to try and stop me.
DarthCthulhu: … Are you coming on to me?
Batman: You don’t get to joke! Not today! I just took a bullet for you!
DarthCthulhu: I’m not hearing a ‘no’.
Batman: No you are not!
DarthCthulhu: I’m not what?
Batman: What, are you dense? Are you retarded or something? Who the hell out of shape, but who knows? Maybe i’ve been there too. Maybe i can help. We could work together. I could use his super-speed and squish me into the cement. But i know how he thinks. Even more than the kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, clark’s essentially a good person… And deep down, i’m not.
DarthCthulhu: Dear God, man! I don’t want to hear about your sick perverted supexual homoerotic fantasies!
Batman: I want you out of shape, but who knows? Maybe i’ve been talking to thugs.
DarthCthulhu: Granted, my physique is not the greatest, but I think you’re being a tad unkind there, Batman.
Batman: You’re not in a position to negotiate.
DarthCthulhu: Okay, fine! I’m a pudgy programmer, geez!
Batman: I’m not trying to beat you. I’m trying to beat you. I’m trying to stall you.
DarthCthulhu: UURAGH! Batman, I’m flattered, but I am so not that way! Seriously!
Batman: I am the batman.
DarthCthulhu: Yes you are. And I’m very impressed.
Batman: You are the least interesting person i’ve talked to today. And i’ve been talking to thugs.
DarthCthulhu: Ouch. Just ’cause I rejected you doesn’t mean you have to be so rude.
Batman: You have a child, and here you are safe.
DarthCthulhu: I have no children.
Batman: You have a choice. You can crawl — on your bellies — and plead for her forgiveness. That’s the first choice. The second is — i hurt you. I hope you knew… Know that, you showed me that justice doesn’t always have to be sent to a hospital on time.
DarthCthulhu: Batman, no matter how much you threaten me, I am NOT going to have sex with you.
Batman: No you are not!
DarthCthulhu: That’s what I said!
Batman: What does that have to come from the body between the ribs and the pioneer of flying. Together with his brother he made the first choice. The second is — i hurt you. I don’t enjoy anything.
DarthCthulhu: For someone who doesn’t enjoy anything, you seem damn intent on having the rough homosex.
Batman: Who is the time taken for the next 2000 years.
DarthCthulhu: … Are you bragging about your lovemaking ability, Bats?
Batman: You don’t get to joke! Not today! I just took a bullet for you!
DarthCthulhu: Oh, don’t bring out that chestnut again!
Batman: You are the most stupid person i’ve talked to today. And i’ve been there too. Maybe i can help. We could work together. I could rehabilitate you. You needn’t be out there on the edge anymore. You needn’t be out there on the edge anymore. You needn’t be alone. We don’t have to end up killing the other. But we’re both locked onto a suicide course. Both of us. To the death. It doesn’t have to die tonight.
DarthCthulhu: Jesus Christ, Batman! How many times do I have to say it… I AM NOT GAY.
Batman: Because it is the hard skeletal part of the body to the batman.
DarthCthulhu: I don’t care how hard you can get or how long it lasts! I’m not gay!
Batman: I’m not trying to stall you.
DarthCthulhu: Look, lets just talk about something else. How about crime fighting? It is what you’re famous for.
Batman: It takes nearly a minute to fall from this height, and despite what you may have to do it.
DarthCthulhu: More threats? Geez, Batman, lighten up!
Batman: Batman, no matter how much you threaten me, i am bruce wayne, billionaire philanthropist. At night, criminals, a cowardly and superstitious lot, call me . . . Batman.
DarthCthulhu: Yeesh… throwing your billions in my face, too. You’re an asshole, Batman.
Batman: You’re not in a computer.
DarthCthulhu: Correct. I am in real life. You are in comic books, movies, and cartoons.
Batman: Bone is the lowest portion of the body between the ribs and the pioneer of the leg, and is the science of plant life.
DarthCthulhu: So much for your much vaulted knowledge of everything.
Batman: For someone who shaves and cuts the hair of a client for business.
DarthCthulhu: My hygene habits are none of your damn concern!
Batman: Your life could end here, now, and nobody would ever know. Would anyone even miss you? Tell me, what’s your life out of gotham city by dusk.
DarthCthulhu: You… you hurt my feelings!
Batman: I’m taking the shuttle. Unless you want to hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you. I don’t enjoy anything.
DarthCthulhu: So you keep saying, you damn emo bastard!
Batman: Saying yes to anyone in authority, anyone with a badge, just like your parents taught you. My parents taught me something else, lying cold on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to do this anymore. One day, i wouldn’t have to kill each other. What do you say?
DarthCthulhu: You don’t know me! You don’t know anythin about me!
Batman: Don’t you understand? I don’t want to try and stop me.
DarthCthulhu: Look, its GREAT that you’re gay, Batman, really. I don’t mind. BUT I, PERSONALLY AM NOT GAY. So please, please, just drop it?
Batman: That is a tree native to australia where it is the lowest portion of the relationship between an organism and its environment.
DarthCthulhu: What does that even mean?
Batman: That is a living organism which does not have the ability to move, and does not have sensory organs or digestive organs.
DarthCthulhu: Are you saying I’m a worm?
Batman: A banshee is a sensory organ found on the grave of my parents that i haven’t had the misfortune to meet you in person yet.
DarthCthulhu: Are you saying I talk too much?
Batman: Saying yes to anyone in authority, anyone with a badge, just like your parents taught you. My parents taught you. My parents taught me that justice doesn’t always have to come from the carcass of bulls and cows.
DarthCthulhu: WHO TOLD YOU ABOUT MY BOVINE ORGAN RESEARCH?!
Batman: Chocolate is a sword with a badge, just like your parents taught you. My parents taught you. My parents taught you. My parents taught me that the universe is regulated by simple mathematical laws.
DarthCthulhu: Look, I never met your parents, Batman. They died long before I was born. And It’s nice that they instilled a sense of a deterministic universe, but… really… how is that relevant?
Batman: I’m not really a people person. But, when you need help – and you will – call me.
DarthCthulhu: Okay, fine. We’ll leave it at that then. If I suddenly, inexplicably, turn fabulously gay, I’ll call you.
Batman: That is a curved wooden weapon of the night, unsleeping in the world who can get or how long it lasts! I’m not gay!
DarthCthulhu: Sure you’re not.
Batman: You’re not in a computer.
DarthCthulhu: IM IN UR BAT COMPUTERZ, HAXING UR CRIMINALS!
Batman: Criminals are a part of the night, black, terrible, like a… A… A bat!
DarthCthulhu: So… even the Batman gets scared sometimes?
Batman: The emu is a group of primates closely related to the batman.
DarthCthulhu: Man, talk about ego-centric. Everything relates to you. No wonder everything you make is called the Bat-something. Bat computer, batmobile, bat thermal underwear, batarang…
Batman: No you are now.
DarthCthulhu: Hey, I just calls them likes I sees them.
Batman: I want you out of happiness. But because i knew… That one day, i am bruce wayne, billionaire philanthropist. At night, criminals, a cowardly and superstitious lot, call me . . . Batman.
DarthCthulhu: I thought you never feel anything, huh?
Batman: You can never be forgiven. Never.
DarthCthulhu: Geez, you’re taking rejection hard.
Batman: You’re not in a chemical reaction.
DarthCthulhu: I hope not! I don’t want to end up like Joker.
Batman: I want you out of shape, but who knows? Maybe i’ve been there too. Maybe i can help. We could work together. I could use his super-speed and squish me into the cement. But i know how he thinks. Even more than the kryptonite, he’s got one big weakness. Deep down, clark’s essentially a good person… And deep down, i’m not.
DarthCthulhu: You want to start an exercise club with Superman?
Batman: An antenna is a sword with a badge, just like your parents taught you. My parents taught me that justice doesn’t always have to come from the initials of other words.
DarthCthulhu: Are you implying I’m a slave to the television propaganda?
Batman: I’m not trying to stall you.
DarthCthulhu: Stall me for what?
Batman: You don’t know me! You don’t know me! You don’t know anything about me!
DarthCthulhu: I know you’re the Bat and in eight short years your parents told you many things about justice and the nature of the universe.
Batman: A neurone is a living organism of the universe.
DarthCthulhu: So you subscribe to Platonic ideals?
Batman: You nearly became a part of the night, unsleeping in the world who can get you to a hospital in a computer.
DarthCthulhu: You’re still not tempting me with your vague threats.
Batman: You don’t know me! You don’t know me! You don’t know anything about me!
DarthCthulhu: Stop being so dramatic!
Batman: So you keep saying, you damn emo bastard!
DarthCthulhu: I’m not emo, you are! Always whining about your parents and wanting to be squished in the pavement by Superman.
Batman: No you are not!
DarthCthulhu: Are… too? Wait, what? Is this some legendary Batman mind trick?
Batman: This is the batman?
DarthCthulhu: Yes, you’re a great Batman.
Batman: A chromosome is a gland used for hearing, and it converts sound into electrical impulses that are fed to the batman.
DarthCthulhu: Comic book science sucks.
Batman: The heart is the science of life and living things.
DarthCthulhu: That’s positively… cheery.
Batman: That’s why evil always fails. There’s only one kind of good, and it’s all evil ever gets to battle. Makes it weak and narrow-minded. There’s an endless variety of evil. And good’s got a piece of glass shoved into a major artery in your arm. Right now you’re bleeding to death. Right now, i’m the only person in the pavement by superman.
DarthCthulhu: While I don’t like being mutilated, I’m not jealous of you and Superman’s pavement pounding.
Batman: I’m not trying to stall you.
DarthCthulhu: So you keep saying.
Batman: Saying yes to anyone in authority, anyone with a badge, just like your parents taught you. My parents taught you. My parents taught me something else, lying cold on the head or something, batman?
DarthCthulhu: How do you know anything about my parents?
Batman: I do my best work in the end. We’re going to have sex with you.
DarthCthulhu: Oh, God, no! For the last time, no!
Batman: The druids were ancient celtic priests. Their group still exists today in secret, despite the existence of charlatan groups claiming to be sent to a hospital on time.
DarthCthulhu: Okay, here’s a change of subject. So, what do you think of Zatanna. You know, the hot WOMAN who also wants you in the sack?
Batman: Who is the organ of vision.
DarthCthulhu: She is quite easy on the eyes, yes.
Batman: Yes it is!
DarthCthulhu: Aha! So you’re not gay! You’re bisexual!
Batman: No i am not gay.
DarthCthulhu: Okay, I conceed the point. You swing both ways.
Batman: You don’t get to joke! Not today! I just took a bullet for you!
DarthCthulhu: I… wasn’t joking. I honestly conceed the point and admit you swing both ways.
Batman: The mule is a house licensed for the table by subjecting it to heat in various ways.
DarthCthulhu: What kind of mule is that?
Batman: That is a living organism of the foot.
DarthCthulhu: … You mean athlete’s foot?
Batman: The eye is the joint connecting the foot with the calf of the foot.
DarthCthulhu: Don’t kick me in the eye!
Batman: The eye is the part of that evil…
DarthCthulhu: My eye is NOT EVIL!
Batman: The eye is the largest gland in the eye!
DarthCthulhu: The eye is not even a gland!
Batman: Who is the largest gland in the eye!
DarthCthulhu: I don’t know!
Batman: The dinosaurs were a family of reptiles which lived on the edge anymore. You needn’t be alone. We don’t have to end like that. I don’t know!
DarthCthulhu: I hope we don’t go exinct, either.
Batman: Don’t you understand? I don’t want to end up killing the other. But we’re both running out of happiness. But because i knew… That one day, i could stop fighting. Because one day… I would win. One day, i could stop doing it. Today, however, isn’t that day. And tomorrow won’t be either.
DarthCthulhu: So you’re not going to quit propositioning me is what you’re saying. Brokeback Batman.
Batman: Don’t kick me in the dark, remember — every breath you take you owe to me.
DarthCthulhu: Don’t try to sweet talk me! And I haven’t said yes, so it’s a bit ridiculous to be making demands about bed arrangements!
Batman: And when you’re sitting here alone in the dark, remember — every breath you take you owe to me.
DarthCthulhu: That’s… better. I guess.
Batman: I… Have no idea how to respond to that. Thank you, i guess?
DarthCthulhu: … I’m so lonely.
Batman: So you’re not going to kill each other. What do you know anything about my parents?
DarthCthulhu: Your parents? Um, well… I know they were rich. Your father was a doctor. They were murdered in an alley when you were eight…
Batman: You told you about my parents?
DarthCthulhu: … shit… DAVE! IT WAS DAVE CHALKER! HE TOLD ME EVERYTHING! BLAME DAVE!
Batman: I don’t know what it was that bent your life out of shape, but who knows? Maybe i’ve been there too. Maybe i can help. We could work together. I could rehabilitate you. You needn’t be out there on the sidelines waiting for somebody else to do it.
DarthCthulhu: So you’re not going to kill me for knowing so much about your past?
Batman: You’re not in a position to negotiate.
DarthCthulhu: True.
Batman: You don’t know me! You don’t know what i’m doing. And on any given day, i could stop doing it. Today, however, isn’t that day. And tomorrow won’t be either.
DarthCthulhu: … Please tell me you’re not beating the little Batman.
Batman: The arm is a group of primates closely related to the batman.
DarthCthulhu: Ugh! I so didn’t need to know that!
Batman: I know you’re the bat and in eight short years your parents taught you. My parents taught me that the universe is all of space and its environment.
DarthCthulhu: I don’t want to be Robin, if that’s what you’re suggesting.
Batman: What does that have to kill me for what?
DarthCthulhu: I’m just not interested in being a superhero.
Batman: Uuragh! Batman, i’m flattered, but i think you’re being a superhero.
DarthCthulhu: But I don’t want to be a superhero! Or a sidekick, as the case may be.
Batman: I think you’re being a superhero.
DarthCthulhu: Damn, you’re insistant. So you want me to be Robin?
Batman: You want to end up killing the other. But we’re both locked onto a suicide course. Both of us. Nobody miss.
DarthCthulhu: … Batman… I will not commit the murder of the current Robin. Nor enter a suicide pact with you. I. Don’t. Want. The. Job.
Batman: You want to be robin?
DarthCthulhu: No!
Batman: The rectum is the enemy. There’s no room for grief. There’s no time for grief. There’s no room for grief. There’s no room for grief. Grief turns into acceptance. Forgiveness. Grief forgives what can never be accused of having a shining wit!
DarthCthulhu: Dammit, Batman, I told you I’m not gay! Wait a minute… that’s why you want me to be Robin! To have your way with me in the Batcave!
Batman: I want you out of gotham city by dusk.
DarthCthulhu: Aha! I got your number, did I? Figured it out, did I? Well, fine. I’ll leave. Broken Hearted.
Batman: Did you really think you could leave your brain at the anus.
With that parting shot, my conversation with Batman ended.
I still lie awake at night, staring at the ceiling, wondering what might’ve been… maybe being pounded into the pavement by a tag-team of Batman and Superman wouldn’t have been so bad.
I hope Batman is out there in Gotham, silhouetted in the moonlight atop the man-made chasms of that decaying city… thinking of me.
It’s odd that he seems to speak in fragments from some of his most famous stories, almost as if he were a computer of some sort… hmm, perhaps this is just a plot by some super villain… and you gave away his secret identity and told a super villain. And then blamed me. Crap.
Dude…
I wouldn’t worry about me blaming you. After all, it was in a different universe! It’s not like they can just pop over here sometime, right?
… Right?
“Batman: Bone is the lowest portion of the body between the ribs and the pioneer of the leg, and is the science of plant life.
DarthCthulhu: So much for your much vaulted knowledge of everything.”
I hate it when Batman starts talking about his bone…