This started quite simply with the question, “What would Candyland look like as a text adventure?” Clearly it went a bit further than that, but as a game we’ve previously discussed as having no decisions what-so-ever and therefore not being a game, the concept is tantilizing. Is there a sole decision in Candyland, and is said decision simply to play the game or not? Thus, if you decide not to play the game, you have completed the entirety of the so-called game that exists. From then on you either waste an hour of your life moving a piece around a board, or you go off to a bar or something. Either way you will most likely end up like the third panel of this comic.
Perhaps the spite grows from the fact that I could never complete an adventure along the Oregon Trail without contracting that fateful disease and subsequently dying. At least my oxen went before me, at the end of my whip as I attempted to ford river after god-forsaken river. I may never visit that wretched state now, all filled with rivers and shitting diseases, and I cannot fathom how anyone would ever concieve of living there. Unless they are some kind of poop-connoisseur, who majored in aquatic deviations and oxen-bound wagon fording.
Not particularly enlightening I know, but at least I got to talk about poop and use long french words. Croissant!
“Death by Dysentery.” – Wanted (the graphic novel)
You never finished The Oregon Trail? So sad. If anyone still cares, heres how to avoid certain death in the game.
-NEVER set your rations below the default of “Plentiful”. People think they’re savvy by saving 33-66% of their their food, then wonder why their health goes down constantly, even when resting. It’s called ‘malnutrition’. This goes for your oxen, too.
-You’re wagon was made by the lowest bidder. Buy spare parts at the beginning. Even if you’re on a farmer’s budget, buy at least one of each part. nothing is worse than breaking down and having to wait for a guy who’ll trade you a part at a ridiculous mark up. While you sit there and consume resources.
-Never ford a river if it’s above 2.2 feet, use a ferry for better odds of survial if you can afford it, but the only real way to be sure to cross and not lose you’re wife and children is to save your game before you cross, reload if you fail.
-Rest heals all wounds. If someone breaks a bone, sit down, rest for at least two weeks, or prepare to write him/her off as collateral dammage. Try not to do this in a place where you saw the captions regarding bad/insufficent water or feed. And remember to keep those rations full. Resting on a handful of rice a day, is not resting. It’s starving.
In the end, it’s a game of resource management, and cutting back is rarely a good idea.
As for CandyLand… um… the queen was hot.
I got nuthin’.
-buy things, especially non perishables like bullets early. Every bullet is a potential 100lbs of food.
Haha, thanks for the tips. I haven’t played the game in…say, 15 years? So I don’t take much offense to having not mastered the resource management games as an elementary schooler. 🙂
Yeah, I fail at life, but win at grade school Apple II computer games. There’s a lesson in there somewhere, but I’m too lazy or dumb to figure it out.
But seriously, I loved that game when I was a kid. The Oregon Trail, Word Muncher, some game where you advance by doing 2nd grade mutliplication. Ah… happy times.
Definitely, and it’s a huge bonus that they begin Dysentery Awareness education at such a young age.
There is one other decision in Candyland! Yes, it is true! The decision of whether or not to take the shortcut.
I’m pretty sure that’s where the dysentery came from…the shortcut.
We had discussed the decision of whether or not to take the shortcut, but it’s really only when you land on that space and there is absolutely no reason to NOT take the shortcut, therefore I don’t consider it much of a decision at all. Unless I’m wrong?
YOU HAVE COME TO A FORK IN THE TRAIL. WHICH PATH DO YOU TAKE?
1) SANITARY TRAIL
2) LUMPY BROWN RIVER
ENTER A NUMBER: 2
YOU DIE OF DYSENTARY, IN A MOST EMABARASSING FASHION.
PLAY AGAIN (Y/N)?: n
The only decision one makes when playing Candyland is the decision to accept the fact that nothing you do will ever amount to anything in the long run…
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