Into the Abyss

I like to think that I’m a pretty mentally with it. I mean, I might freak out if I saw Cthulhu or something, but it still takes a lot to actually shake me. I can look at those terrible medical photos on Snopes and not bat an eye. Horrific visions of apocalyptic scenes don’t faze me. But I have been to something which shook me to the core.

I went to a Bible study group.

No, I don’t mean that I’m now suddenly buying Chick Tracks of Justice and swearing of gaming as the spawn of the devil. I mean that I looked into the maw of pure, unadulterated madness. I saw, at once, all reason and intelligence stripped from normally intelligent and reasonable people to be replaced with mind-numbing ridiculousness; the salivating, wide red-eyed visage of dogma laid bare to the eye. This was like looking right into the face of the King in Yellow. I shouldn’t be sane right now. I must’ve REALLY passed my Sanity roll with amazingly vivid colors.

I also feel strangely tainted and violated. Betrayed. Dirty.

See, the only reason I went in the first place was because I was invited by a cute girl in my Geography class. These Christian thought-control groups are sneaky… lure you in with a promising friendship that might look like it may turn to more, then BLAM! Hit you with fast-talk from all directions. But I’m getting ahead of myself.

This girl, let’s call her ‘Liz’ since that’s her name, invited me to go to a discussion group on the subject of Science: Friend or Foe. What’s this? A logical, reasonable discussion on whether science is a benefit for humanity or not? AND I get to go with a cute girl? HOT DAMN, SIGN ME UP!

Bait and switch. I get there and discover it’s a Bible study group. OUCH. Okay, okay, no worries. Maybe there will be a lot of people who aren’t religious zealots here, too. Ah, there’s Liz! … Oh… oh crap. She’s a zealot. I’m one of only a handful of Godless Heathens here. Crapcrapcrap. Hmm. Well, maybe the discussion would be interesting anyway. I mean, there are lots of ways you can take… wait, what? God and Science: Friends or Foes? Whoa! I thought this was supposed to be a discussion on the humanistic opportunities science provides, not some proselytizing gobbedy-gook designed to ease us Unbelievers into the fold! Well, at least there’s free food.

Pizza’s not the best. Dammit.

It’s then as I’m waiting for the presentation to begin (curse my inability to be a rude jackoff! I’d be swimming in girls if I was just a jackass!) that I’m assaulted from all angles by extraordinarily friendly religious groupies. And by Friendly I mean that no one should be this chipper without a steady diet of methamphetamines. Every single one of them had this strange look in their eyes; a sort of glassy-eyed conviction. The look that a Zombie may give in a brief moment of seeing something foggily remembered from past life, or that you might see on a statue of a leader now ground to dust by time. Uncomprehending in the whole but still intense. Even Liz was like this; how had I managed to not see it before? Was I simply blinded by my own accursed optimism? Or was it some kind of strange communal power acquired by religious fundies in a herd, like Slivers? The world may never know and I, for one, don’t want to do the basic research to find out. That way lies madness.

Oh, they were all nice enough. As I said, they were so friendly and just a bit off that I immediately thought of the Family Guy episode with the Heavens Gate cult. These people were JUST LIKE THEM. But they hit me from all angles with their Confusion Ray of Conversion +3. Luckily I saved in every occurrence, but it was still like being attacked by a gaggle of Used Car Salesmen or pyramid scam marketeers.

Thankfully, the presentation started and everyone grew silent and watched in slack-jawed ape-like awe at the projector that brought forth the Words of God. The presentation was awkward and full of logical holes, but I bit my tongue in hopes that I could just get OUT of this crazy ass place quickly. Several of the other people (I presume were also Godless Heathens) left early. I wish I would’ve walked out with them. Again… CURSE MY POLITENESS AND INABILITY TO BE A COMPLETE ASS! I’d be much happier if I could just use people without consequence.

Eventually the Presentation ended. That might have converted me right there, since I had been praying for the damn thing to stop since it began. Regardless, I made my way to the trashcan to deposit my paper plate. I should’ve left it, of course, just leaving my trash were it lay. But no… I had to be a good person. No good deed goes unpunished, of course, because I am immediately beset by more spiritual vultures who begin proselytizing me once again. I finally manage to extract myself and spend another TWENTY FUCKING MINUTES trying to disengage from an idiot who graduated with a masters in Neuroscience(?!) (He confessed to me that he had virtually nothing to do with neuroscience in his course curriculum; gee, there’s a shocker, huh?). I finally made my way out and home, shaken from the interlude.

This was a fundamentally horrifying experience, but one without any particular event to say why it was so. Like when those yuppies enter the swamp in Deliverance and hear the banjo music; there’s something very visceral in the creepiness of it, yet nothing has yet happened. But you know if you kept watching for a little while longer, the shouts of “Squeal like a pig, boy!” would start.

I have looked into the depths of madness and abyssal stupidity and returned unscathed. +300 XP for me.

[EDIT] Oh man, I am so fucking pissed right now. I just discovered that, instead of going to a freaky Join Our Religion-o-thon, I could have instead gone to see a presentation by fucking BETHESDA SOFTWORKS! And! To add insult to injury? I COULD HAVE GOTTEN A DAMNED SNEAK PEEK AT OBLIVION!

Curse you God! CUUUUUURSE YOOOOOU!

–Josh