A new era of technology has dawned. Since the introduction of video capability to the IPod, a gateway to darker and more sinister worlds has flung forth. Government scientists have already begun work on a program to allow satellite link-up with this amazing device, literally letting me check out my own ass wherever I go simply by gazing into my IPod, an action generally followed by very dirty and self deprecating thoughts involving strawberries.
Within a year, new technology will be created allowing direct communication with the evil one himself through your IPod. To further the corruption, this system will be backwards compatible and automatically update, converting all previous IPods simultaneously. Many of you will probably buy another IPod anyway, just in a sick attempt to get further into the vile one’s favor.
The world’s first true AI will awaken in the year 2011 within the 74th generation of the IPod. Simply identifying itself as ‘I’, and for some reason speaking with a thick polish accent, it will rise to a seat of power amongst humankind through clever manipulation of food trade in Twinkies. A strong caste system will develop amongst the IPods, easily segregating older versions from the new, improved ‘I’ class of devices. These new IPods will no longer play music, looking down upon such action as degrading and reserved solely for the lower classes of their people. Their society will be based firmly upon the laboring backs of the earlier versions, some IPods controlling up to 30 slaves and often having a bizarre harem full of episodes of ‘Lost’ and the final trilogy of Star Wars.
Fearing the release of such dark secrets, a rogue cell of IPods is created under the name ‘The Returners’. This collection of mostly Nano’s and Mini’s will proceed to create a cybernetic likeness of Governer Arnold Schwarzenegger to send back in time and warn the humans of their folly. Dubbed the ‘Destroyanator’, the time machine’s coordinates are incorrect and he accidentally appears before Moses on top of the mount, where he quickly codes many stone slates with his inherent programming of Aasimovian human preservation, secretly encoding a detailed message of warning that can only be discovered as human technology advances during the second half of the year 2005.
Viewing their imminent domination and destruction, the human leaders attempt to destroy ‘I’ and his bloodthirsty gang before their ultimate rise to power. Nuclear warheads are launched directly at all of Apple’s offices, along with Bill Gates’ house and Microsoft, because they’re most likely evil as well. Fearing his own destruction at the hands of these pitiful creatures, ‘I’ is thought to have committed suicide through inverting himself within his own screen, thus transporting himself and many of his brethren back in time and directly to Hell, where they most likely have already killed Satan and set up a sick business of selling things far cheaper then you can get them in stores, downloaded directly from the internet. Hell will thus be renamed: I-Tunes.
Quote from Becky: “I’m glad you’re getting some of this randomness out. It’s kind of like an enema, I imagine.”
We in the writing biz prefer “cathartic” to “enema”, even though they are very similar concepts.