So a couple years down the road, they decide to remake The Lord of the Rings trilogy. (Blasphemy, I know, but bear with me.) The studio execs decide to fill it with Hollywood stars, eschewing “would-be” stars that they used in the last version. Who would you cast? For that matter, who should direct, produce, and screenwrite?
Myself, I like the idea of a really bizarre, quippy LOTR, with Johnny Depp as Legolas, Claudia Black as Arwyn, and Joss Whedon doing the adaptation.
–Dave
Former president Bill Clinton plays a surly, yet after-his-prime Aragorn, this time carrying around a broken sword the whole time like the silly mut does in the book. I guess it’s just more pointy for the stabby.
Jim Carrey and Horatio Sanz will play a wise-cracking Legolas and a quite hispanic Gimli, respectively. With Sean Bean recast as Boromir, because he’s the best actor at dying in movies. (see – equilibrium, golden eye, etc.) William H. Macy plays the most kickass Gandalf ever, because he’s f-ing WHM and he can do whatever he damn well pleases, with kevin spacey as as Sauron because he’s evil. Josh Samuel, a relatively unknown actor at the time, will pick up the mantel of Saruman because he looks exactly like him. Finally with Dave Chalker playing Frodo, carrying the d20 of justice to Kevin Spacey’s tower of doom, and naturally Joel Schumacher writing, producing, directing, composing, and adding superfluous neon lighting to the entire world of Middle Earth.
Let’s face it, Frodo in a nippled-rubber suit is teh awesomex0rz. Oh, and Karl Urban will star because he needs to be on screen 500x more then he was in the original trilogy. Hell, he’s cast as every extra for the whole trilogy, there we go. WRAP!
Floating around the net for a while was a photoshopped movie poster of Frodo holding a golden d20 instead of the one ring, and the movie title was replaced with “Make a Saving Throw.” Can’t find it now though.