Last week we determined that it is a parent’s responsibility to teach a child what is right and wrong, and in so doing may responsibly decide what their child gets to watch as far as violence, sex, etc. on tv and in movies. We also determined that some people dislike the term “melting pot”, that D&D is (in fact) bad for your hygiene, and that Joshx0rfz is somehow capable of making non-smartassed yet hilarious comments!
The Game is out at the Gathering of Friends for the week, he has cleverly queued up a YouTube Tuesday for tomorrow (mostly to save me the trouble, but also because he really never has anything better to do…) to try and convince you that some ghost of his presence still remains, but I assure you he’s really gone! (until Sunday) Thus begins my Reign of pastrami-flavored Justice!
As an aside to last week’s classic-style Inquisition question, I also covertly posted a random poll which asked which game you are most looking forward to. The winner, praise the lord, was Starcraft 2 with 9 out of 27 votes (33%), with second place going to a tie between Halo 3 and Hello Kitty Island Adventure: Peaceful Cherry Killing Daggers For Giggle Purpose of Chibimaru. (both with 19% of the votes) We very much appreciate the add-ins of Duke Nukem Forever and Final Fantasy XIII, notice I’ve italicized the titles of things I consider actual games.
Now for this week’s question, we’d love to know who would win in an all-out fight-to-the-death between the staff here at Critical Hits (plus a surprise contestant):
sorry gents my vote went to the O. A very tough call indeed but heres why:
The Game: A big guy for sure his stature alone would be a menace in the ring. But he bigger they are the.. well you get it.
Bartoneus: Small, probably agile, and smart. Hed be like the small chinese guy who you dont think is a threat but then rips off his shirt to expose a six pack and pecks as he breaks out his insane martial arts moves… only to get squished a second later by the falling goliath that is The Game.
Joshx0rfz: now heres an interesting case.. I think the 0rfxz himself would be insane in the ring. Jumping all over, bashing and smashing in an almost berserker like rage.. but like all crazy style fighters he would meet his end flailing his arms and feet and die suprised that someone actually hit him.
Umberhulk: isnt real, end of story..
The Game part II: see Part I, only dies screaming like a man not a 12 year old school girl whos having her pigtails pulled.
and last but not least The O:
I think the O would win because of one good reason.
Hes Irish. you dont fuck with the irish. I could see him down a black and tan before jumping headlong into the ring and smashing everyone to pieces with signiture moves such as the “Big Irish Boot” and “Red Hair Wraparound”… not without a negative side though I think he would have trouble downing The Game (Part I and II) and Josh.
HAHAHAHA, awesome. Thanks Steve. Anything that involves me getting crushed under a screaming-like-a-12yo-girl Dave makes me happy.
Only problem with the whole set up is that Josh has been studying Bushikai for the last two years…and could honestly probably beat a real Umberhulk riding a Bullette.
You have an excellent point though, as worded by Josh: “Andrew is Irish, and he punches dogs”
I feel I must abstain from this vote. I can however vouch for Bartoneus’ grappling skillz…
Bushikai is a place, jiujitsu would be the art.
Your mom’s a place, and your face would be the art.
I voted for the O, Steve made the excellent point of him being Irish. I also hear he punches dogs and uses the decapatron on innocent kitties. This makes him insanely badass.
I also hear the O one time gave birth to an entire herd of cattle…What makes it even more amazing is they were all fully grown bulls complete w/horns…
“Legend of The O”
Where does he get all those X chromosomes?!
Remember that Umber Hulks have a confuse ability that they may use at will. Would make for some interesting matches.
I…I’m speechless and flattered. Upon first reading the article and poll, I (naturally) assumed that all votes would be for the umberhulk riding a bullette because, well, it speaks for itself. I voted for myself to mix things up and then come up with some lame-ass reasoning for why I’d win. However, upon reading the articles, it would appear the job has been done for me, and the reasoning isn’t lame-ass at all. Wait a minute, gotta get another Guinness………………………
Ok, now here’s my analysis of each combatant:
Dave the Game: I’d have difficulty handling his impervious monkey attack which, once activated, is quite an invincible site to see. It’s as if he becomes a wandering vortex grenade blast from old warhammer 40K: he moves around randomly and will eventually exhaust, but anything caught in its path is instantly destroyed with no exceptions (See also: Blackball from AD&D)
Bartoneous: Not quite a physical matchup for myself, but his cunning and wilyness would be the end of me. Myself of course combating in the Irish style of drunken fighting would easily get bedazzled by his superb juggling skills. Whilst in a trance, he’d give me a dirty low blow then bank off, flip out and throw shuriken (which he ninja looted from Joshx0rfz) at my face.
Joshx0rfz: He would defeat me without there being a real battle. First, he would lure me in with his catering culinary skills via a table full of corned beef, potatoes, ham, and shepard’s pie. Then, as I am euphorically inhaling the food, completely oblivious to my surroundings, he would slip some poison into my Black and Tan that he learned at the school of yourmomitsu in yourfaceikai.
Umberhulk+Bullete: this would be my greatest challenge, but in respone to Original Sultan’s remark, my drunken fighting style provides immunity to confuse effects. In regards to the battle, I would meet the beasts on fair ground by riding my direbulldog into battle. We’d charge in and collide with a dimensional-rippling effect like in the matrix: reloaded where the two big-rigs collide at the end of the highway scene. Unfortunately, I would not be able to tell you what happens next as I would be in an ascended state of drunkenness that none of you would perceive.
Take special note how none of the battles involve my dog-punching, decapatron, or bull-birthing abilities. But as you may notice, I described how each other contestant could easily defeat me. So then you must ask, “Well then why’d you vote for yourself, O?” To be honest, I think it just comes down to one word:
PRIDE.
Satisfying.
Gay.
Hey! What about me? Don’t *I* get to participate? I may be a hobbit compared to Dave, Danny, and probably The O and Josh, but I’m still a staff member here. Right?
(I’m not really offended, just wanted to point that out)
Girls cant fight! unless you count The Game…
Boom! Count it!
Girls don’t fight, they use cunning and guile to subdue their opponents. Whence the reason men fight!
“For there was a day at the Guinness Brewery that the bountiful kegs did empty themselves. There was much wailing and gnashing of teeth as the breaking of the fast was soon approaching and what for would be put into the Irish cheerios? Fortunately The O with his supernatural hearing heard the cries of distress and sensed there may soon be sober Irish eating breakfast with milk. The O sped across the Atlantic atop the backs of two blue whales named Beezlebub and Bill to the Land of Ire. There he unleashed his ‘power’ and refilled the stocks of the Guinness Brewery.”
-“Legends of The O”
No good choices this week. Bummer.
The Umber Hulk also has a burrowing speed, so it could easily dig its way out of any fight that was going the wrong way. But it would always come back for more because it’s evil. Makes sense.
Worst. Poll. Ever.