Tales of Horror: D&D for TWEENS
Picture, if you will, a mysterious and terrifying future. The entire marketing team at WotC comes down with a mysterious illness, mostly for purposes of artificially strengthening the gossamer-thin threads of plot of this article. Additionally, every person with a marketing background in the entire world contracts it as well. This is completely plausible.
Regardless, WotC bravely soldiers on. WotC, having recently caused a stir among environmental groups over a controversial plan to convert any resource into mana and further taxing the world’s supply of fossil fuels, scraps their plan. However, it is secretly revived in order to ensure good holiday sales numbers, drastic measures needed to be taken, so they applied the technology to something far less inflammatory: 11 year old children.
No, they did not grind tweens up and collect their dust. That would have contaminated everything, and would have yielded more lawsuit mana than any other color. They simply rotated them all 90 degrees and told them to come up with the best ideas they could or else they would destroy the Jonas Brothers’ magic rings of chastity.
The results would chill even the most hardened adventurers’ blood.
- Justin Bieholder
Part terrifying monster from the darkest corners of the imagination, part pre-teen heartthrob, this creature just wants to be loved. That’s why eight of its eyestalks shoot powerful Charm spells. One eyestalk has evolved to hold a pen to sign autographs, and the remaining eyestalk shoots hairspray – which the monster needs a constant supply of. Unlike most dungeon-dwelling creatures, the Bieholder always surrounds itself with backup dancers significantly older than it is. All party members must save vs. Rap or be forced to join the monster’s entourage. The Bieholder is nigh-invulnerable and highly resistant to magic. The only sure way to defeat a Bieholder is to break up with it, which will not kill the beast, but will buy the adventurers 1d20 rounds of the monster crying in a pillow and writing song lyrics about the experience to use against future victims. - iBigby
Forget what you know! Bigby’s back as a perky 14 year old girl with her own web show! Join iBigby and her best friend Otilucy as they explore the most terrifying dungeon of all: HIGH SCHOOL! Don’t miss the upcoming iBigby specials: iForgot My Homework Because I Use Vancian Magic and iDon’t Have A Date For Prom Because All I Can Cast Is Spells About Hands. - Hannah Undermontana
The mad wizard Halaster finally unleashes his most terrifying creation to date: his 16 year old daughter! Torn between her desire to live life as plain old Haley, a normal peasant girl doomed to a life of manual labor, and superstar sorceress Hannah Undermontana, the world becomes distracted enough not to notice Halaster’s ulterior motive: to unmake reality via country music. Can he be stopped before he releases “Achy Breaky Wight”? Can Haley bring a boy home to meet her father in less than seven pieces? Can she balance her skills and feats to meet the needs of her real life and of her alter ego? Will she spend a daily power to take care of her pimples OR one of her friend’s pimples? Even though they have a crush on the same guy??!
I apologize if anyone soiled themselves.
Of Dice And Men
A couple weeks ago, I got an email from a guy named Cameron McNary. At first glance, I thought it was spam. It was an advertisement of some sort and one line of text at the top that said, “I thought you might find this of interest.” I’m glad I didn’t delete his email, because as it turned out, Cameron McNary has an amazing gift when it comes to understatement.
This email was about a play he had written called “Of Dice and Men”, a story about a group of D&D players and what happens to them when one of them gets deployed to Iraq. It sounded interesting, but then I hit one quote from Cameron that stopped me dead in my tracks: “I always thought I played games for the games themselves but when he enlisted I realized I actually play them for the people – for the connections you make and the friendships that are formed when you play.” I thought of all the good times I’ve had with my friends over the years around the gaming table, how much I miss the ones I don’t play with anymore, and how at home I feel when it’s finally game night – and I knew deep in my soul he was right.
I’ve got to see this thing.
Sadly (for me, anyway), it’s being premiered at PAX PRIME. In Seattle, WA. Where I am NOT. It’s apparently the first time a “serious” play has ever been performed at a gaming convention (no, the costume contest doesn’t count), much less premiered. That’s pretty rad.
For those of you who ARE in Seattle, WA on September 3, get thee to the “Unicorn Room” of the Washington State Convention Center at 7:30 pm. You will do what I cannot, and support these fine people. Or I will SMASH.
Of course, as effective a sales tactic as physical violence is, I can’t sell this thing nearly as well as Cameron himself:
Cameron was kind enough to answer a few questions for us:
CH: What is “Of Dice and Men”, and why is it important to gamers?
CM: “Of Dice and Men” is a full-length play, written by Cameron McNary, that will be receiving its world premiere at PAX Prime, Friday, September 3rd 2010. It’s about a group of 30-something D&D players, and what happens when one of them enlists to go to Iraq. It has been called “The most brilliant piece of non-Wizards of the Coast Dungeons and Dragons related material since the Dead Alewives.”
It’s important to gamers because it portrays gamers as the kind of people you want to be around, and the kind you want to be. It’s a hip, very funny, deeply touching play that challenges the stereotypes about gamers and gaming. It is geek art without the self-loathing. If you’ve ever wanted to take your mom or your girlfriend or your grandad to something and say, “Look: THIS is why I play,” and have them *get* it, now you can.
Also, unlike the images of what “a play about D&D” might normally conjure up, it is very, very good.
CH: Are there any plans to make this experience available for those of us who can’t see the event live, like DVD or downloadable video?
CM: Eventually, yes, in some form.
CH: Any other plans in the works from Critical Threat Theatre?
CM: We plan to take the exposure and fundraising that comes from this premiere and bring this play to regional theatres across the country, and eventually, to Off-Broadway. We are also taking open submissions for scripts that match our mission of “Great Plays. About Geeks.”
CH: How can our readers get involved in this project?
CM: They can donate money. We’re currently running a capital campaign on www.indiegogo.com (http://www.indiegogo.com/ODaM) where you can become a Critical Threat Rot Grub for just $5. In addition to the various perks you can get (you should see what we’re offering our Frost Giant Jarls), when this show comes to your town, you can point to it and say you were part of making it happen.
If you know of a script we should produce, please send it to us. If you or someone you know is in a position to produce this play professionally in your town, we’ll be happy to forward you the script. You can contact us at info@criticalthreattheare.com.
CH: You guys are clearly gamers. Tell us about how you got started gaming, and how it’s affected your lives over the years.
CM: Many of the people involved in this project are gamers, but a lot of them are just theatre professionals who have become fans of the play. My wife — our Managing Director — won’t touch twelve-siders with a ten-foot pole. Many of our Seattle actors have no gaming experience whatsoever. Our commitment to making quality theatre is just as strong as our commitment to making theatre about geeks.
As for myself, I’ve been playing D&D since my cousin Seamus ran me through Against the Giants and the Lost Tomb of Martek when I was eight. Since then, my tastes have expanded to include just about anything you can play — every tabletop RPG ever, CCGs, videogames, boardgames. Like a lot of gamers, gaming has been the source of some of the best friendships I’ve ever had, and sometimes the only friendships I’ve had. Whatever town I was in, whatever shape my life was in, I knew if I could find a gaming store, I had a home. There have been times in my life when that was incredibly important.
Thanks to Cameron for tipping us off about this event. I’m incredibly jealous of those of you who can make it.
Once again, here’s where to be:
PAX PRIME
7:30 pm
September 3rd 2010
“Unicorn Room” of the Washington State Convention Center in Seattle, Washington.
Please, please, please go and support them. Or donate, which you can do here. Or both. Yes, that one. Just help them out. They rock.
Photo credits:
http://www.flickr.com/photos/carleeaross/2060369281/
http://www.flickr.com/photos/rym/2067782076/
Not Without My Beholder: A Mother’s Tale
Before today’s featured presentation, allow me to present the trailer for this year’s Roleplaying For The Severely Disturbed with StupidRanger.com event from Gen Con. It is an hour and a half long. We realize this is a little long for a trailer, but we wanted to give our readers a faithful representation of the actual event, if they were so inclined to watch it.
Roleplaying For The Severely Disturbed with StupidRanger.com
And now, for the main course:
The unaired sequel to "Invisible Child", set in Eberron.
I’ve spent the majority of my blogging career trying to figure out how to make it easier for people to roleplay better. To get them emotionally invested in their characters. To make them feel and act as their character might. To dance into the danger zone where the dancer becomes the dance. I believe I have finally discovered the secret to doing so:
The Lifetime Movie Network.
Who better understands the human condition than the people who prepare us for the worst life could ever throw at us with their delightful training films? I now have deep insight into how to cope with discovering that I have a secret baby while a serial killer stalks me trying to steal my face. If, in my work as a traveling nanny, one of my clients has an invisible child, I am prepared.
Therefore, I propose a series of similar films be created for gamers. Imagine the unbridled freedom. Nobody is invested in their characters now because there’s no real sense of peril with the mere threat of simple death, dismemberment, undeath, conversion into ettin feces, demonic possession, and banishment to other planes.
These are nothing compared to the sanity-destroying terror of discovering that the mind flayer you shared one night of passion with had your half-Illithid love child and that now grown child is now a fireman, your home is on fire and your wife is sure to recognize your eyes above his tentacle-nubs. THAT is true terror.
That’s just the tip of the iceberg. Imagine having to plan the double shotgun wedding for long lost hobgoblin sisters. Imagine being a wight with Irritable Bowel Syndrome. What if your character’s son had a crippling addiction to drawing cards from the Deck Of Many Things to feed his drug habit? What if you woke up from a coma and discovered all your body parts had been replaced with body parts of Vecna – and your husband, intimidated by your newfound power, doesn’t find you attractive anymore?
If you are not weeping uncontrollably by this point, you should get yourself checked out. You are probably malfunctioning, ROBOT.
Other possible titles:
- Warforged and Pregnant
- Tasha’s Uncontrollable Hideous Addiction To Methamphetamines
- Prom Night Mummy Rot
- His Mistress’s Daily Power
- In Love With A Police Gnoll
- Holy Avenger: The Source Of My Paladinhood Is The Idiot Little League Umpire
- Divine Teen, Arcane Father
- Mindflayer, Homeflayer (with Delta Burke)
- Circle of Lycanthropy: The Wererat’s Mistress’s Wereboar Lover’s Weresnake Mistress’s Friend with Were-Benefits
All we need now is Bigby’s Press-On Nails, Otiluke’s Everlasting Quart of Chubby Hubby, and Leomund’s Negative Gender Stereotypes.
My work here is done. Enjoy the revolution.
Friday Chat, Early Edition: The Geeky Road Trip
In about 24 hours, I’ll be leaving for the Toronto Fan Expo with my friend PM. The Expo is Canada’s largest event for Sci-Fi, Horror, Anime and Gaming fans where they get to meet some of their favorite industry personalities and stock up on merch.
So soon after Gen Con and after having been at Ground Zero for Pax East, I’m not sure how to set my expectations for the Fan Expo. I have no ideas what the show will be like nor what I’ll be doing except game for most of the day on Saturday.
Regardless of what awaits us over there, I still have a 5 hour car trip to plan so I thought I’d reach out and share/ask how the travelling part of the trip should be prepared! [Read the rest of this article]
The Lord of Troma
This week, I had the pleasure of speaking with Lloyd Kaufman, President and co-founder of Troma entertainment and creator of the Toxic Avenger. I had a lot of nerves going into this – I’ve been a big Troma fan since I was 13 and used to spend every Friday and Saturday night watching horror movies on USA Up All Night.
Things actually started here a bit before my phone interview. I had the privilege of attending Mr.Kaufman’s “Make Your Own Damn Movie” masterclass at Gen Con a few weeks ago, and he was very knowledgeable and willing to answer any questions audience had, but the answers were sometimes surprising. Several people asked what sort of equipment to use, and he would always fire back with some variation on “Depends! How much money do you have? You can get by with consumer-grade equipment.” Then everyone would discuss their shoestring budget success stories and we’d move on. It’s how Troma works. Make your movie the best way you can with what you have. (You can find out way more by buying Lloyd’s book, Make Your Own Damn Movie, Secrets of a Renegade Director!) It was inspiring to see so much enthusiasm and resourcefulness surrounding the making of so called “schlock” movies. I’d find out a little more as to why when I spoke to Lloyd this week.
I started off the interview by asking Lloyd what the word “Troma” meant. He told me a short story about how the word Troma is Latin for “excellence in celluloid”. Having taken 3 years of Latin in high school, and knowing the ancient Romans probably didn’t know what “celluloid” meant, I was inclined to think maybe he was pulling my leg. (I was right. He told the real story when he was doing a guest stint writing for the DVD Talk horror blog.)
One of the very first things I discovered during my audience with the Lord of Troma is that he suffers no fools. I had a few “fluff” questions prepared, stuff like “who is your favorite villain of all time, and why?” Writers like that one. I figured Lloyd would too, being a creative type. I was wrong. He wouldn’t answer that one, and dismissed a few others like it as stupid questions. I also found out another thing right about this time: I gurgle audibly when surprised. Good to know for next time.
Thankfully, I soon started getting into questions that didn’t irritate Lloyd, and we talked for awhile about independent media and Net Neutrality. I was floored by his answer when I asked him why independent filmmaking was so important: “It’s not. It means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things. You have kids starving in Third World countries and they don’t give a damn about movies. Cinema is something useless rich people like all of us here do to entertain ourselves.” I suddenly found myself not caring so much about how bad the BSG ending sucked, and being very thankful for the burrito I had just eaten moments prior.
We talked a great deal about Net Neutrality. “Without Net Neutrality, there would be no Troma. There would be no Critical Hits. You’d only have whatever insipid crap the networks decide to give you this week”. Lloyd asked that we link to his Youtube video on the subject, which we’re more than happy to do. The Internets would suck without this.
Probably the single most surprising thing I learned about Lloyd Kaufman is that he doesn’t think his movies are as funny as you probably do. To him, each is “real filmmaking” with a political message. Yes, I thought he was kidding at first, too. His tone convinced me otherwise. That and him calling Inception a piece of crap movie full of plot holes. Them’s fightin’ words, Mr. Kaufman. But who am I to say what a work doesn’t represent? Is art not subjective? Is this less effective than starving some poor attractive vegan celebrity and having them sit naked in a cage for PETA? I’m just a blogger. I’m not equipped for this. (I do, however, ponder the political ramifications of Teenage Catgirls In Heat.)
We wrapped up the interview by talking about some of Troma’s upcoming work. The big news is that the Toxic Avenger is getting remade, big budget style, and he dropped all sorts of names like Tom Cruise and Megan Fox. That was all neat and everything, but I forgot every other detail when he said Justin Bieber was going to play the kid who gets his head smashed under a car. I’m praying he wasn’t kidding. I will weep openly. The film isn’t getting made by Troma, they’re “just accepting a big check”. Despite taking some recent heat over the remake, Lloyd was surprisingly not too concerned with whether they keep the political message of the original intact – his movie would stand on its own for all time.
In the end, I’m honestly still a little befuddled. I can’t decide if he was messing with me or not. Either way, the man marches to the beat of a hideously deformed monster drum with superhuman size and strength, and I very much want to be like him when I grow up.
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