Solving The Sith Problem

Anakin Skywalker prepares for a night of extremely mundane sex.

Since the beginning of Galactic history, there has been the Force. Eventually, sentient beings learned to harness its power for the good of all civilization. Those who chose this path were known as Jedi, or “lightbringer”. Approximately fifteen minutes later, a Jedi decided he’d had enough and decided to not only rebel from the teachings of his Jedi master, but to go murder a busload of space nuns as the first step in a mad plot for galactic domination. This phenomenon proved to be uncomfortably common among Jedi, so much that the Jedi Order decided that there were in fact two sides of the Force — the Light Side and the Dark Side. It is not known at this time when the Jedi Order figured out that the Force was comprised of tiny microorganisms known as midichlorians, but experts speculate this occurred when Dark Jedi provided the Jedi Council with many freshly-killed Jedi for study. Allying with and eventually taking over the Sith pirate organization, these Dark Jedi took on cool names starting in Darth, meaning “bad mother watch your mouth I’m just talkin’ about”. Their last names were always chosen in a secret ceremony involving a great deal of alcohol and the ancient Sith incantation “you know what would sound bad ass”?

For hundreds of thousands of years, the Light and the Dark have clashed — spanning several wars and the deaths of billions of innocent bystanders. Both sides took heavy losses. The Light side was eventually weakened and made progressively more stupid to the point where they were hunted down to near-extinction by people who can’t shoot straight. The Dark side seems to have fared better, having been apparently deprived only of any moisturizing skin products. Therefore, I have studied closely the journey of many Dark Jedi down the road of corruption, and I have come to a simple conclusion:

The Jedi are idiots.

Consider, for a moment, a typical Jedi Padawan. They are found as children, and taught to suppress their emotion for fear they will turn to the Dark Side. This means no anger, no fear, and no strong emotional attachments (especially love). So now take this army of the socially and emotionally hamstrung and then arm them with laser swords, superhuman athletic abilities, and the ability to control minds. They are then sent all over the galaxy and placed into incredibly dangerous situations, putting them under an enormous amount of psychological strain, and then forbid them to so much as go on a date or have a BFF. We’re lucky the Star Wars saga isn’t all about The Galactic League of Super-Rapists vs. the (comparatively) heroic Sith.

The Jedi sit and meditate a lot. You’d think they’d have figured out the reason their pupils keep freaking out and going all chokey and shocky is because they’ve been repressed their whole lives. You’d think they’d figure out that perhaps people who haven’t been infected with mystical bacteria, even those in power, frequently do not try to take over the world when their girlfriend breaks up with them. But no, the Jedi Order likes to tell their students tales like “you can’t love anyone because this one time these two Jedi twins loved the same girl, and then they fought, and the whole planet blew up”. What better reason to let your students vent once in awhile than if they are giant bombs powered by repressed emotions? It’s SCIENCE, people.

Fortunately, since the entire Jedi Council was killed for being stupid, starting over will be easy. The new guy wasn’t raised by emotionally-crippling idiots (though he does get a little whiney at times and was trained hastily in a swamp by a Muppet). Let’s make sure new Jedi don’t wind up all screwed up by treating them like regular folk. Let’s let them have families. Sure, they’d be away for long periods of time. Just think of them as truckers who only carry one thing — AWESOME. Seriously, how much different would the prequels have turned out if Anakin hadn’t been denied anything but a secret relationship with Padme (provided they could get past that 20 year age difference)? They’d meet, fall in love, and then when Palpatine started going around spinning lies Anakin would just slice him up and serve him at the Jedi Holiday Banquet. Little known fact: the Jedi are cannibals, but they can only eat meat carved by a lightsaber. That’s why they use them instead of blasters. Do you think they let all that delicious hand-meat go to waste? Mace Windu’s famous Manual Chili begs to differ.

As for the existing Jedi, let’s take them out and get them laid. Let’s take them to a bar, making sure to tell them not to focus on the guy selling death sticks but instead to levitate a drink over to that hot Twi’Lek in the corner. Let’s let them shove their lightsabers into something besides a blast door. Let’s make sure a Light side Jedi never has to Force Choke anything ever again. Or we can get them therapy. But that doesn’t have any good double entendres.

Together, we can save the galaxy – one Jedi’s virginity at a time.

(Photo credit, and apologies to Chris Pirillo. )

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