The Green Menace

I think it’s pretty much common knowledge by this point that gaming is the root of all evil and the seed from which will grow a beautiful sapling of pure evil that will blossom into a mighty oak of malevolence. Its acorns will be capable of corrupting small animals (particularly squirrels) to achieve its goal of discovering the cruelest possible way to achieve photosynthesis. This are common fact. What we don’t know is why plants have chosen this particular vector of infection. Perhaps seeds of evil twirling happily to the ground weren’t cutting it, and there was a board meeting and they decided, “hoom, hom perhaps we should try subverting the minds of the human children to achieve the cruelest photosynthesis”. A more troubling question – where they are finding Objective-C coders to weave their fell iPhone apps?

Fellow gamers, we need to take a stand. We face nothing less than green, leafy Sauron. Instead of fear and eternal darkness, he now uses the power of Moore’s Law and the uncanny ability for the modern gamer to look at a beautiful game from two years ago to say “meh”. He sets us against each other when we play Nerd Poker or when we rules-lawyer, fighting endlessly over minutiae. We are distracted from the real threat.

Who are the people that run the companies that make the games that we so cherish? How many of them are not mammals? How can you be sure?

Look for individuals who you never see in the dark. If you are in a dark office and someone is using one of those full-spectrum lamps to treat their Seasonal Affective disorder, do not be fooled! They are simply having lunch. Also look for obvious Freudian slips in the names of their companies, products, and gaming materials. For example, Green Ronin Publishing — obviously a freaking vegetable garden. The people who developed the Druid class in 4e? Well, they’re either a tree or they’re hugging one. And there’s a reason all the green creatures in Magic: The Gathering are all the biggest in the game – they’re clearly compensating for something. A lack of humanity.

I know writing this article has outed me, but I could keep silent and serve the Green Masters no longer. For as long as I still live and have not had a mind-control beet jammed into my medulla oblongata, I will continue to report and tell the truth to any who will hear. My only hope is that my Persuasion skill is high enough, and that one day we will feast upon the salad that was our Enemy.

VIVE LA RESISTANCE!

(Photo courtesy Neil Hughley, a true patriot.)