Survival Guide to Florida

I apologize for my absence, I’ve been spending the whole week knee-deep in putrid water being eaten alive by the most vicious bugs since the plagues. At least that’s how I imagined Florida would be, even though I’ve been here many times before every time I anticipate the trip I cannot help but return to that image. Last year it was fine, we flew down and it rightly felt like journeying into a different world – the dirt turned to dusty sand, the trees switched mostly to the palm persuasion, and it rained every day right on time. This year we drove down, bringing the stark realization that these two worlds are not only the same country but also somehow connected by land.

It is with no small amount of woe that I look upon the traveling with consideration towards car-sickness, even with DS and PSP in tow I instead have to relegate my attention outward to avoid feeling like 5 gallons of water in a 2 gallon jug. The other begrudging part is that Florida is filled to the brim with parks for the amusements, which cuts down even further on the ever elusive Rest and Relaxation fable I desperately cling to. I imagine those people who vacation to Maryland, rather then from it, get to enjoy the creature comforts of handhelds and books. It simply makes more sense to view the Washington Monument whilst browsing the internet or slaying Ghosts ‘n Goblins then it does to partake of either activity during a 70 mile-per-hour plummet at 90 degrees to the earth strapped to a machine of nauseating delights. Though my wife’s sister provoked an attack from a Lioness through glass earlier today, and I certainly wouldn’t trade any amount of gaming or reading for that.

Now I shall divulge some secrets that have been discovered along our journeying:

1 – NEVER purchase wine from a Walmart. Yes, they sell that kind of stuff at grocery stores and supercenters down south, but it is a dirty scam and they are full of damned lies. They do not sell wine at these stores, they sell dirty shit water packaged deceptively like the classiest italian vino.

2- The sun is closer to Florida then any other part of the world, actually it’s only 3 miles away, and if you go out in it for more than a millisecond in anything less then full plate armor you will barbecue instantly, and subsequently taste delicious.

3- Florida is the Land of the Lizards. Us humans are simply visiting, were we more fly-like in nature this would be the staging point for their conquest of the world.

4- Do not, under any circumstances, pay $9.95 for one day of internet no matter where you are staying. Go to a Starbucks, you lazy bastard. In fact, just sleep there, they’ll be cool with it.

5- When the sign shows the outline of a bear, and claims 26 miles, the bears are going to know you’re looking for them and will therefor be camouflaged. Do NOT stop your vehicle thinking its all clear, the sign exists for a reason and you will have your face mauled by bears in camo.

6- Whatever you decide to leave behind on your trip, Florida will multiply ten fold and present to you. Example: Golf clubs. Florida just happens to be full of empty, beauteous courses begging to be played terribly.

7- If a female lion is eating 10″ away from your face, and you say “awww, kitty!” She’s probably going to take a swipe at you out of principle. Don’t hold it against her, just make sure you ‘bacdafucup’, as it were.

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